this is for the queen mother who didn't believe that i would let go of the handle bars in the air. i did a couple "no handers", but my photographer (deb) didn't get them and ran out of film. 

the blaster! 

no, i did not fall over! 

great fun...

i had the best day ever since we moved into my new house. we had our first "gathering" of friends over and it was awesome. even though we are not finished with the back yard or even the house it didn't matter because we all had a good time. well at least i did, and i didn't even get a shower! (i did yard work all day and didn't watch the clock to stop in time to clean up - nasty, sorry) i have had people over for thanksgiving, but that was family and that is a little different from friends. i am looking forward to doing it again and having more friends over... i have a lot of door to door steaks to cook!

happy easter

i hope that your easter is blessed and joyful. remember that Jesus is very much alive and well and loving on us. why He is loving us is still a huge mystery to me. i will accept His love regardless.

i did have a little bit of a sad thing happen. i received an easter card from my grandma and she didn't sign or date it or anything. she is really getting old and i am so not ready for that. she has always been in my life and she has always been sharp as a tack. she forgets many things now and we think she really should stop driving, but no one wants to say anything. i love my grandma very much.

again, have a great easter, remember Jesus and soak up His life.

when can i come home...

i am in salt lake city utah. it sucks. the weather is sucky and i don't really care for the people. i assume they are all mormon and thus instantly can't stand them for their brainwashing skills. i know that is not true and i shouldn't think like that, but it is odd here. it always feels like there is a whole secret underground world here. if you aren't a mormon, you never know what is going on and you are an "outsider". i hate it here.

i really just want to come home. i am so sick of hotels, airports and bad food. i miss my wife and my kids. sometimes, and only for a millisecond, i even miss my dogs. i miss being at home every night. i miss being able to have a life away from work. i quit the worship band at church because i just do not have the time to be at practice and that is not fair to the others. i neglect things at my house because i haven't the time to start and finish the job. i neglect my family because they consume time, of which i have very little because i am away from home so often. i really suck as a person right now. sometimes i get so mad that i have built a life style that requires me to keep this job, because it pays well. i know i am not alone in feeling this way. many people get into the same situation. and i am sure if i didn't have a good job that paid well, i would be complaining that i have nothing.

i need to be smacked!

the naked chef... see life can be fun remember? 

dad, you suck...

some jerk boys threw a pot into my daughter's car window, completely destroying the driver side window. now this would be enough to make me a little irate, but to make matters worse, she was someplace that she probably should not have been. she decided that she would drive her friends to a party, which i am proud that she did not drink and drive nor let her friends drink and drive, but she went to this party without letting us know. the party is not a no-no in our house, i mean hey who doesn't enjoy having fun, but going to a party without letting us know where she is at is a huge no-no! how can i protect my eldest if i know not where she is. life is so full of craziness, i am clinging to the last few years of being able to sort of keep a wing over her and keep her from as much harm and hurt as i can. i know that i can't always do this, nor do i think that i should. it is good for her to "step in front of the bus" and get hurt once in a while, because this is how we learn as human beings, but i still want to know when the bus is going to hit her.

deb an i had to have one of those suck-ass parent to child discussions. i know i hated those from my parents and i am sure that she hates getting them from us... probably as much as we hate to give them. she is a typical 17 year old teenager... "life sucks and i am so confused". why is the chemical imbalance so horrid for a teenager? isn't it bad enough that you have about 80 million decisions to make on an hourly basis (of which you have no experience in making most of these decisions, other than if you want fries with that order) but your hormones are ragin! it is so hard to know what to say to make things clearer or easier. but then again, i think that is the way it is supposed to be, so she learns her own mechanism of how to deal with "life".

things have been a little shaky with her dude lately, so i gave him the parent talk too. i figured what the hell i have already shot my chance at parent of the week, why not try to eliminate me from the running for a year or more. i basically told him to be more respectful and thoughtful and more open with my child or i would bash his head in with a mallet. ok not really, i said i would use a hammer not a mallet. i think he got the idea, i hope that they will learn from this relationship and take away some better filtering skills and the ability to communicate with others of the opposite sex, of whom they probably want to have sex with, which complicates the whole thing even more.

i am so glad to be almost 40! no crazy hormones or dilemma regarding why life is so hard. at this age i have come to the conclusion that life is what you make it and all the hard times are counter balanced by the wonderful times and that sex once a month is ok and that hot, young 20 year old girl does not "want" your fat old ass. it is also good to know that i can make most decision based on experience and logic (found from many head bashing moments) and i really only have to worry about whether i want fries with that order. it is good to be me today, but i am sure if you ask my daughter she would say i sucked!

too much to do...

i spent most of the whole day with my wife. there is nothing wrong with my wife or spending the day with her for that fact, but i never get anything done when we hang out together. as a matter of fact, we went to lowes and picked up more projects for me to do. sometimes it feels as if i will never get all of my projects completed. oh well, i am blessed to have this house and blessed to have so many projects to be able to do.

i am looking forward to having my house more complete so i can enjoy the few days a month that i am home. it will be so nice to have friends over and enjoy the pool and bbq and just relax and "be"!

day to day...

i have been in a funk. that does not mean i have been listening to tower of power or rick james. i have been in a foul mood and i have not really cared about anything for a while now. i realize that this is not the way of a supposed christian man, but it has been really hard and i have been carrying it alone. i had dinner with my aunt and uncle (my step mom's sister and husband, but family none that less) and they are very devout christian people. i like their view about it too - they have a relationship with God through Jesus and they frown on "religion" (i.e. doing it just because that is what we have always done; if you don't go to the church you must not be a christian...) my uncle gets visions, no make that, he has conversations with God. now i know you might say "right, God talks to him", but i believe him. he is a very humble man and does not boast or accend to be better than anyone. he loves God and he trusts God. there have been many time that his "talks" have come to pass in our family. this gift was given to him about 8 years ago and he has been a faithful servant of this gift ever since. anyway, we had a great dinner (we didn't worship any cow - we ate that sucker!) and we had a very good talk about God, life and spirituality. i must say that i am encouraged to remove my self from my funk, but only with God's help and guidance. i have carried myself for too long and it is time to ride in the passenger seat and let a better driver drive. i know that i will fall on my face, but i am still going to do my best and be the Godly man that i am asked to be. i hope that i will not fail Him too badly. i know that He loves me and will always be there for me and will carry me when i am unable to carry myself.

i hope that one day my uncle will get a message that i am pleasing to God and that He is proud of me.

re-living the past...

UNTITLED 8/96

as i breathe in air i live
as i breathe in air i die
so much in life to choose
yet so little are the victories
i try to figure the way
as i travel the twisted path
i am mired in the blackness that has been offered
i touched the sky once only to fall
the end could come so quickly
as the path winds tightly around my neck
holding me hostage to what i despise
i try to feel my heart
but i feel only the pain inside
i am sick with hurt and i am lost
i hate to love you
you loved me because i was there
now i am not and you are not

void

standing in the ally
staring at the car lights
feeling the rain upon my head
i could no longer touch my heart
i wanted to reach out to you
i felt only the cold rain
the loneliness i felt is beyond expression
i saw the rain reflect the light
reminding me of the glimmer in your eyes
thinking back into the past
when i didn’t feel so empty
so lost
so alone
so unloved

the ultimate bathroom...

as most of you know, i am not super fond of germs, especially germs from strangers. i am seeing a really cool trend happening in some more advanced and civilized public restrooms - motion sensors! motion sensors must be the single greatest thing to happen to the public restroom since the introduction of indoor plumbing and the flush toilet.

... (dreamy background music) as i walk to the doorway of the restroom, it automatically opens with a gentle wisp of wind that somehow seems to refresh the stale air that one might smell in the typical restroom. as i make my way to the urinal, i notice that the little box on top starts to flash at me. i turn to head for the wash basin and in that instant, the urinal flushes and i have yet to touch anything! now i reach the basin and reach under the automatic soap dispenser and get a healthy dose of germ killing hand soap. as i move my hands under the water spigot, out comes the warm/hot water. after my hands are squeaky clean i wave my hand across the motion sensor that dispenses crisp clean paper towels and as i complete my drying i reach to throw away the towel and automatically the waste receptacle opens to receive my used towel. now i turn to leave and the door again opens to release me to the germs of the world...

what a dream!

too much beer...

i have had too mux=ch n-=beer. whoopes! i meAN too much beer. i am not sure why i drank too much, but i am really glad i did not drive. applebee's is right behind my hotel. i am tired of being on the road. i wish i could be home, mad at what ever my wife and kids where doing to piss me off. but i am here on the road, in some stupid hotel, drinking too much at the applebee's restauant behind me.

i am such a loser!