day to day...

i have been in a funk. that does not mean i have been listening to tower of power or rick james. i have been in a foul mood and i have not really cared about anything for a while now. i realize that this is not the way of a supposed christian man, but it has been really hard and i have been carrying it alone. i had dinner with my aunt and uncle (my step mom's sister and husband, but family none that less) and they are very devout christian people. i like their view about it too - they have a relationship with God through Jesus and they frown on "religion" (i.e. doing it just because that is what we have always done; if you don't go to the church you must not be a christian...) my uncle gets visions, no make that, he has conversations with God. now i know you might say "right, God talks to him", but i believe him. he is a very humble man and does not boast or accend to be better than anyone. he loves God and he trusts God. there have been many time that his "talks" have come to pass in our family. this gift was given to him about 8 years ago and he has been a faithful servant of this gift ever since. anyway, we had a great dinner (we didn't worship any cow - we ate that sucker!) and we had a very good talk about God, life and spirituality. i must say that i am encouraged to remove my self from my funk, but only with God's help and guidance. i have carried myself for too long and it is time to ride in the passenger seat and let a better driver drive. i know that i will fall on my face, but i am still going to do my best and be the Godly man that i am asked to be. i hope that i will not fail Him too badly. i know that He loves me and will always be there for me and will carry me when i am unable to carry myself.

i hope that one day my uncle will get a message that i am pleasing to God and that He is proud of me.

re-living the past...

UNTITLED 8/96

as i breathe in air i live
as i breathe in air i die
so much in life to choose
yet so little are the victories
i try to figure the way
as i travel the twisted path
i am mired in the blackness that has been offered
i touched the sky once only to fall
the end could come so quickly
as the path winds tightly around my neck
holding me hostage to what i despise
i try to feel my heart
but i feel only the pain inside
i am sick with hurt and i am lost
i hate to love you
you loved me because i was there
now i am not and you are not

void

standing in the ally
staring at the car lights
feeling the rain upon my head
i could no longer touch my heart
i wanted to reach out to you
i felt only the cold rain
the loneliness i felt is beyond expression
i saw the rain reflect the light
reminding me of the glimmer in your eyes
thinking back into the past
when i didn’t feel so empty
so lost
so alone
so unloved

the ultimate bathroom...

as most of you know, i am not super fond of germs, especially germs from strangers. i am seeing a really cool trend happening in some more advanced and civilized public restrooms - motion sensors! motion sensors must be the single greatest thing to happen to the public restroom since the introduction of indoor plumbing and the flush toilet.

... (dreamy background music) as i walk to the doorway of the restroom, it automatically opens with a gentle wisp of wind that somehow seems to refresh the stale air that one might smell in the typical restroom. as i make my way to the urinal, i notice that the little box on top starts to flash at me. i turn to head for the wash basin and in that instant, the urinal flushes and i have yet to touch anything! now i reach the basin and reach under the automatic soap dispenser and get a healthy dose of germ killing hand soap. as i move my hands under the water spigot, out comes the warm/hot water. after my hands are squeaky clean i wave my hand across the motion sensor that dispenses crisp clean paper towels and as i complete my drying i reach to throw away the towel and automatically the waste receptacle opens to receive my used towel. now i turn to leave and the door again opens to release me to the germs of the world...

what a dream!

too much beer...

i have had too mux=ch n-=beer. whoopes! i meAN too much beer. i am not sure why i drank too much, but i am really glad i did not drive. applebee's is right behind my hotel. i am tired of being on the road. i wish i could be home, mad at what ever my wife and kids where doing to piss me off. but i am here on the road, in some stupid hotel, drinking too much at the applebee's restauant behind me.

i am such a loser!

what do you want to do...

what do you want to do when you grow up? it sounds really like a dumb question at this stage of my life... half over by most accounts. any how, i have a cousin who dropped out of college to go to film school. at first i thought this was really dumb and not very wise, but then i started to think about what he is really doing. he is following his dreams. he is risking failure to try and do what he wants to do. as i thought more about this idea, i realized that i know only a handful of people (maybe 3) who are actually doing anything close to what they wanted to do or thought that they would be doing when they were young.

are you doing what you wanted to do when you were young? are you working at a job because you have a passion and a love for it, or do you do it because it pays the bills. i was asked this question and i said i work to provide for my family not because i love it. i was then asked what would i love to do (even if it didn't pay) and i could not answer. i can't even remember having any dreams of what i wanted to be. i am not sure if this is because i was lazy and never wanted to do anything, or if it has been so long since i thought about "my dreams" that i can't recall them. i have thought about this question for several days now and still have no reply.

i think it is too late to make such a change that could jeopardize the well being of my family and turn my world on it's ear.

i think this is from christmas time 1981. if deb only knew what the hell she was getting into by saying yes to my asking her out! i think she is hot... still! 

mw says blog something...

ok mw. i will blog something. i don't have a lot to say, at least nothing exciting or even intelligent.

i was worried that the music would suck this morning, but it turned out pretty good... minor mishaps, but good sounds. the message was awesome. i really like how russ thinks and pushes us to think about what the heck we are doing with ourselves. i wish he was in a place were he could become the lead pastor, but i understand his position and respect him for putting "us" ahead of being "the man" for only a short time. dude you rock!

leaving for the hot and happening spokane washington today (mon). returning on sat. night. i am tired of traveling, but have no other choice at this stage of my life. i miss a lot of my life while i am on the road. at least i have a job and it takes good care of my family. that is more important than what i miss out on. besides if i were here everyday, my kids would freak and i would probably kill a couple dogs (yes i still have some issues with the damn dogs! - dumb and dumber!)

i don't know if i will have internet access this week so i may not post. besides if i can't be more creative, i should keep quite.

i know, i would like everyone who reads this to give me a comment. you don't have to say anything, just let me know you are reading this crap! thanks.

responsibility

i have been in so cal for the last couple of days and i happened to catch the news. a funeral for a 13 year old kid, shot to death by the l.a.p.d. he was shot after he attempted to back his stolen car into a cop car and hit the officer and all this after a car chase. now i am aware of some of the bonehead things that the cops down there have done, but i think i have to side with the cops on this one. at what point do the cops say enough is enough and at what point does this "grieving, finger pointing at the cops parent" take responsibility for the fact that her kid was nothing more than a thief who use an auto to potentially kill a police officer or even kill an innocent person in this car chase. am i wrong to not have any sadness for this boy or his family? should the cops just give up and let everyone do what ever the fuck they want so no one gets shot by accident and no one's "civil liberty's" are taken away? i am not saying that i am glad that this boy was killed, but if he had not put himself in the position to be killed by the police, he might be shootin' hoops right now.

why can't people take responsibility for their bad choices. why do they all have to claim that " i was denied this or denied that", " my rights were taken away" and "i've been wronged!". no one ever says "hey i screwed up and got what i deserved".

it is funny that none of them ever mention that they broke the law in the first place and that bad decision led to them being denied their "rights".


sometimes people really suck shit!!! and their stupidity and ignorance is unbelievable.



does anyone have an island for sale where i can make the rules and be king?

why change...

if you know me, you know that i can't deal with germs and i hate change. the really sad thing about both - there is not a damn thing i can do about either one. regardless of how much anti-bacterial hand sanitizer i use i am always touching something full of germs and filth. it is a dumb phobia i am aware, but it haunts me nonetheless. as for change. i get tired of it also. i think, mainly, i really have a hard time with change in the people i get to know and like. i started in at a new church almost 3 years ago. loved it and grew to love many people there, including all of the staff. one by one they will all leave (on to other things and other places, which sucks the most because they will not be close to hang out together) and our little unit, or family, will change. now i am not preaching that it will change for the worst or that it just will never be good. i know sometimes change is a good thing (as russ helped me to understand-thanks). i guess i am just sad to have to say good-bye to people that i have accepted as my family and friends. it sucks to say so long. and regardless of how much you say "hey we will always be friends and keep in touch", it so seldom happens. life over takes our time and absence steals away the close and connected relationship. when you see someone every week or several times in a week, you have a connection, a closeness. when you don't ever see them, you lose that. sure, you will most likely still be friends, but the dynamic changes and feelings wane.

my "rock star" is leaving me too. i am really going to miss him and his family very much. they are good people and it has been an honor to get to know them and share some time together. i will say that i am very proud of him for taking a leap of faith to regain his faith. i know he will be a shining light for his creator and a man who will change lives. you rock, dude!

i guess i better go for now and continue to feel sorry for myself, for my inability to cope with shifts in my fabric of time. what a weenie!

crazy from the heat

i must admit that my last post was not very nice. it was not the sentiments of a supposed christian person. the whole subject is a very difficult one for me to have compassion for, but i really should try. maybe i was crazed from seeing the sun for the first time in what seems to be many weeks.

i really need to seek God more often (always) and look deeper than just on the surface.

i am finally home for a couple days from sacramento. i really have a hard time going there. if you didn't know, i have a daughter from my previous marriage and she lives in roseville, which is a community in the greater sacramento area. she does not want to have anything to do with me and it is so difficult to be so close without being able to see her. i could go by, but the situation is so awkward and unpleasant that it is hardly worth the pain it causes all parties involved. it is very sad that someone (her mom) would work so hard at allowing my child not to see me. i guess i deserve this for my past failures as a parent. i am still waiting to be the perfect dad... not in this life. anyway, i am really glad to be home. it was really great to see my other children, who actually like to see me (so they tell me anyhow) and see my wife. in that respect, it is good to be me.

hunger strike

i heard about some inmates, in conn. i think, staging a hunger strike in prison because they did not like being locked up in solitary confinement for 23 hrs a day. now, let me make sure i have my fact straight - they are inmates in prison (i think death row) and they don't like being locked up. maybe they should have thought about that before they did whatever hideous crime they did to end up there. also, i know i am suppose to be compassionate and love them, but you know it is really hard and if they want to have a hunger strike, hey good news, we can save tax money on food and drinks, save tax dollars cleaning up after each meal and if we are lucky they would not eat long enough that we can save on court cost for all of their appeals and maybe even save some on execution costs. i am in strong support of those prisoners and there hunger strike - good for them, standing strong and thinking about saving us some money. i am not in support of changing the rules on confinement, so if they want to starve to death, ok. don't like how you are treated, shouldn't have chosen to be a criminal. there that is the key - choice! i am so sick of criminals having "rights" that i could choke someone.... but then i would be in solitary confinement starving to death.