a way of life...

i think this is the new way of life for americans. the sad thing is that i can remember when gasoline was under $1.00! never again!!!

until we stop consuming (buying) it, gas will never go down. why would it? americans have always been spoiled in regards to gas. other countries have always paid more for fuel than we have. not that it makes 3 bucks a gallon any easier to swollow. i hear vespa get good mileage!

the end seems near...

is it just me or has anyone else been watching the news lately? in the book of revelation we are warned to be aware of signs of the second coming. it warns of wars (iraq) rumors of wars (iran, isreal/palestine and islamic rhetoric about killing all infedels). it also warns of many unusual natual disasters (earthquakes in japan and elsewhere, hurricanes and floods, tital waves and volcanic action). i am not trying to claim that i am some sort of prognosticator or anything, nor am i trying to scare anyone, but it is something to think about. our would seems to have degraded so far, so quickly that it is really scarry.

i know if Jesus came today, i would not miss any of this world!

question the answer...

i have been in a funk of funks lately. i am almost so used to it that it has become the norm and i almost feel comfortable in it. sad!

i have been reading several blogs from my friends and the subject of God comes up often: existence, expectations, reality, promises and more. the points are so valid - are we still created in His image; why do we not give everything away and simply follow Jesus; how are we to believe in the whole story of "God".

seems to me that being a Christ follower is full of as many questions as there are answers. and some answers require us to ask why did i ask that question anyway because that is not the answer that i wanted to hear. i guess it simply adds to the complexity that makes us different from every other creature on this planet.

"... show me how it ends,it's alright.
show me how defenceless you really are
satisfy an empty inside, well that's alright,
let's give this another try..."

breaking benjamin - we are not alone

pages...

the pages were scattered all about the desk. a giant troubled mess with no end in site. pages of every thought and every mental note ever given. pages of all his hopes and dreams. pages of all he is.

he searches desperately for a box of file folder, but has no success. he seaches madly for a filing cabinet, but no such item can he see. a trash bin is nearby, but then all would be lost; over without a fight.

if only he could re-file his pages. organize. compartmentalize. rationalize. revitalize. he might find his will to continue.

always changing...

i wish that i could hold on to a great many things. my wife, my kids, my health, my friends, my sanity! i don't spend as much time - quality time - with my wife and kids. i don't take care of myself the way i should - i eat poorly, don't exercise enough. my friends, most of them from church have left to try something else in life. my sanity.... gone.

i am tired of change. i had some good friends tell me that they were going to go to another church. i wasn't really shocked. i think for them it has been coming for a long time. i am going to miss seeing them on sunday mornings, but i will just have to see them on sunday afternoons. i have to admit that i am not overly thrilled with church right now. i don't know if it is in my crazy head or simply that i am not interested in seeking Him there anymore. so many changes have taken place for me to deal with. it is hard. i need to see more done with the older kids groups. my youngest daughter was so excited to go to her group and then found out there was no group, she had to go to "big church". she cried! now i know that she is often over sensitive to many things, but she should be taught at her level and have a place to go and feel comfortable. i don't know the solution, but i hope that it comes soon. "why don't you lead them".. i can hear this and my response would be that i can't stand kids... i have a hard enough time with my own and i can yell and beat them if i need to (hypothetically). we'll see.

"sorry mate, you're just not right for our band.... inxs"

what to say...

what to write
something untrite
maybe witty and smart
or something simply from the heart

what to say
about my day
maybe with some zeal
or just talk about how i really feel

what to do
find something new
something to catch your eye
maybe a thougt to make you cry

what to think
maybe i should drink
that might find some words
or it could cause me to spout out turds

i couldn't pass up this photo. i parked in front of this tree when i was on a sales call. and they say trees aren't sexy! 

doing the right thing...

i should be on my vacation right now. i am sure that i would have looked lincoln square in the eye by now on mt. rushmore and i would have seen that crazy devil's tower mountain (the one in close encounters of the 3rd kind - maybe only us older people know it) anyway i am not in south dakota - i am in california. i decided (with my riding mates) not to go on our trip to sturgis this year because a friend of ours, the president of our motorcycle group, was diagnosed with cancer. turns out to be leukemia so he is having massive chemo as we speak. we ride in the CMA which is the christian motorcyclist association. he is the president of our chapter, new hope riders, and i am the vice president. so, making a long story short, i am now the president. i never really wanted to be the president, but i guess i am stuck now so i better do a good job. i do want to finish my freinds year and do it right for him, so i will do my best. anyway we stayed home from our trip so we can get our chapter organized to raise funds and take care of his family as best we can. we might take a trip to san francisco to the hospital, but i don't think he can have visitors yet, due to his low white count after chemo. maybe we will just rev our motors outside his window. i really hate cancer!

i have had to carry so much shit lately that i can hardly breath, much less feel as if i have a life. i am so ready to win the lottery so i can just stop and get off the spinning wheel. i guess i should play the lotto if i expect to win. i have lost touch with everything in my existence (not life - existence). i really need to have more God and so much less me. i think that would start the process of lifting my burdens and strengthening me to be the man i want to be. i am so weak and such a sucky christian and such a shit as a human being at this moment that i can hardly stand myself. i will have my 7 yr anniversary on the 8th and i am wondering how my wife has put up with me for this long? she is a saint and the best damn woman a man could ever ask for. (and yes i do tell her) but i also am the worst to her and have too short of a fuse with the person who is the best to me. again, i suck!

i had a friend say he was living with God in one room and himself in another, which i found so true. but he also said that his christian life was like a rose bush. the flowers come and go (spirituality) but the roots to the bush were strong and would continue to grow (faith). i really like that analogy so much. it has really kept me going as i struggle to understand the why's of this life and the questions i have about life. (thanks mw) maybe i should go and open the door to the guest bedroom. it is time i visited with my company and welcome Him to roam the house with me.

old school...

i have been working in idaho for a few days now. "yeah so what?" well, i spent 3 years living in boise going to jr high scool (7-9th grade). i don't really think about these years all that much. i guess i have many new things in life to think about or ponder. well, i had a little time to kill, so i drove past my old jr high school - south jr. high, home of the bobcats - and i can't believe the flood of memories that came rushing through my head... my first french kiss, my first girlfriend, snow skiing, four square kick-ball, soccer, wrestling, track, football, my first time drunk and my first time puking from 1st drunk and first hangover, locker rooms, woods class, dirtbikes, sex pistols, the clash and others. i learned to drive a car here. i remember my mom pulling me from football practice to tell me my great grandfather had died and we had to go to california.

it is amazing the amount of things we can retain in our heads and recalling them so vividly with the slightest of effort. i am not sure that i want to drive by anywhere else.

this just about says it all! 

silent scream...

as i lay in languid state
spent of all that i am.
i wander through time
as if i could be anywhere.
i arrive to a place less confused
to a time that has been forgotten.
perplexed am i at life.
so much to account for
yet so little for worth.
have i wasted my time?
i am dying inside!
i am screaming to find some peace!

a tired road...

i have not been her for such a long time.
no lame excuses, just tired.
not much to say that anyone wants to know.
nothing to share that i've admired.
i have lost my ability to think or reason
i've coded, i'm flat line.
i haven't the time to even steal a thought
or create one of mine.
i think i am the only one who reads this
so who really gives a shit
if i can't say someting clever
or get my brain lit.