HOPE VISITS THE NEIGHBORS

i will love you forever
but have you never.

irony has its strange way
of making you want…
what you will never have…
crave what you can never touch.

simplicity leaves as torture sets in.
this knife of love cuts me into pieces,
as i fall to the floor alone.
hoping for that which is lost.

the phone interrupts the silence
as hope passes through my room
oh how close was i?
had only i stayed for the moment.

never shall i know you,
yet always i will love you.

It has been a while since I have talked here. I have just gone through another fathers day, not feeling like much of a father. I really suck as a dad. I did have a great week-end with my dad and my uncle Ron. We rode our motorcycles up to Roseburg Oregon. I rode about 1500 miles in 3-1/2 days. The days where long on the bike, but really fulfilling and a great "guy" week-end. I hope to do something like that again.

I really did miss my wife though. She had left for Iowa June 11th and I had left for work in LA on the 7th. We did not see each other until 10pm on the 20th of June. That is a long time and it reminded me about how important Deb is to me and how much I miss her when she is not near me. As much as she sometimes frustrates me, I could not live without her and I love her very much.

How would I define intimacy?

A prideful glance at the women I love.
The feel of her hands touching my face for no reason.
The brushing together of our hands as we pass each other.
The look in her eyes as she kisses me full on the mouth, just because she wants to.
Moving the hair from her face as I watch her sleep.
Looking at her and knowing we have something that no one else can share.
Holding hands in a movie theater like a school child in love for the first time.
Making love to her just to feel the warmth of her body.
Inhaling the air as she passes, taking a deep breath as I softly kiss her neck.
Being inside the shower instead of out.
Doing nothing but laying next to her, silent and at peace.
Kissing like no one is watching and not caring if they are.
Holding her in my arms, to protect her and keep her from harm.
Her holding me because she needs me to protect her.
Sitting on the couch watching the dumbest movie ever.
Sharing the yard work, without worry it won’t get done.
Making a date to read books for free at Borders.
Standing side by side in the face of adversity (life).
Playful teasing and touching, leading to more, but sometime maybe not.
Feeling her hands touch me.
Being silent enough I can hear her heat beating as I rest my head on her.
Being for the moment and planning for the future.
Being led by desire for her, not by obligation.
Not letting the world consume my desire for the one I love.

How would I define intimacy?
Feeling her love for me more than knowing her love for me.

another hotel. at least this one has high speed access. i am going to figure this computer stuff out one way or another. i have added the comment thing to my blog so now i can find out what you really think. not that anyone will read any of this because i haven't given out the link. that is self preservation on my part. maybe i will be the only one who ever reads this and it will therapeutic later in life.

this is my most favorite poem. written in maybe 1986.

Kick the Dog

Wake up time comes too early, kick the dog.
You have a hangover from the night before, kick the dog.
Your life flies by on the hands of your favorite clock, go ahead kick the dog.
Plans never go as planned, kick the fucking dog.
You go to bed, no girl, no sex, kick the dog.
You kicked the dog all day, why does he still love you?

why do i bother?

why do i bother to light the fire?
you seemed to have lost all your desire.
i ask you so often i'm numb.
my need is becoming so dumb.

why do i bother to fan the flame?
it's flickering light is rather tame.
i ask for your love and affection.
i wonder if i made the right selection?

why do i bother to tend to the spark?
my need for you is almost dark.
i long for your touch without my plea.
but it's my need for you that you fail to see.

why do i bother to wave through the smoke?
so weighted and heavy that i choke.
because i love you and for no other reason.
i will light the fire in this or any other season.

fuck

what is it that causes some of us to have good luck and others to have shit for luck? i stopped to talk to a man on the corner with a sign that said "vietnam vet anything will help". his name is john. i was expecting him to be a drunk, but discovered a very sober sounding and coherent man. so much for preconceived ideas about people. so much for me trying to be Jesus like. i wished i could get past my negative thoughts about those who may just be down on their luck. you know most of us are only a check or a few checks from being down on our luck as well. i bought john a burger lunch and hoped it would at least fill his belly for a while. i wish i had the power to do more, but i wonder if sometimes these people do not wish to be helped beyond food or money?

this is the second time i have had to sign up for this. i did it and can't remember what the hell name i used to start the other one. i don't even do drugs anymore but i must have fried some cells in the past to sketch the future. i am an old fart trying somthing new. my young, smart friends all do this blog thing, so i figured i better get in the game or get left out. left out of what? this i am unsure of.