a step back in time
a place unrecognized
a memory faded
but a fresh wound
so long ago it seems
as I walk the lane
the wind in the trees
the only thing unchanged
i grew here some time ago
i joined as one here
and left here alone
a lifetime past
i returned to this place
all is new and different
yet the memories have stayed
a painful past that is part of me
Movement
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
spinning...
are you coming home soon?
you've been gone so long.
hey it's you
what are you doing here?
oh, of course, you live here
how long will you stay
leaving tomorrow
did you set the alarm?
have a nice trip
be safe, love you, bye.
you've been gone so long.
hey it's you
what are you doing here?
oh, of course, you live here
how long will you stay
leaving tomorrow
did you set the alarm?
have a nice trip
be safe, love you, bye.
Monday, May 09, 2005
mouse ears...
greetings from orlando, fl. home of mickey mouse east (disney world). i can't stand anything disney! you think that it is supposed to be "the happiest place on earth", well yeah, for the disney share holders! what a rip off. i never knew that being happy was so costly. i had to pay $2.65 for a soda! and this isn't even in the park... i am in a hotel across the street from downtown disney. aahhhh.
anyway, i am looking forward to coming home and working on my back yard (will it ever end?) i sure will be glad when it looks good for graduation.
i think some adult beverages are calling my name. huh? one second, i'll be right there....
anyway, i am looking forward to coming home and working on my back yard (will it ever end?) i sure will be glad when it looks good for graduation.
i think some adult beverages are calling my name. huh? one second, i'll be right there....
Monday, May 02, 2005
36 steps...
one week ago today i set out on an adventure that i will most certainly never forget. i helped my friends rockstar and poet move to the desert! now that in itself does not sound like much of an adventure, but the story is good and it's worth the price of admission.
i was not part of the "loading" party, which i must admit, doesn't bother me. i wasn't even going to be a part of the "moving" team either, but i thought (and was right) that they lacked sufficient help for the job ahead. so i got on line and booked a ticket to fly back from chandler, az. (the desert) with "mr. green" (i call him this because he has decided that saving the environment is his newest calling; by changing all bulbs with florescent bulbs and owning one of those hi-brid cars, but he doesn't yet recycle - go figure). anyway, i get a ticket for the same plane home that green is on. all is ok at this point. we were scheduled to leave mr. greens house around 8pm to make the drive less stressful on the poet's children (theoretically, they would sleep - nice thought, but restless) and less traffic. so the poet heads out before us to collect her thoughts (it is very sad to leave your known life behind to start a fresh one) and rockstar, mr. green and i load our butts into the big ass moving truck to start our trip. motor starts, stereo works, lights wo... what the hell, we do not have any low beam head lights. we start taking the truck apart to find a fuse or a relay or something that will fix our problem. we even started reading the truck manual. talk about useless! 1/3 of the entire manual was dedicated to how to operate the frickin radio!! we finally called the support services and they sent out a man to fix it. two burned out bulbs! not one, but two. i have never seen that happen in all my life. needless to say it is now 11:45pm and we are just starting our 12 hour drive to the desert.
rockstar drove for about 2 1/2 hours to mojave where we picked up fuel and i thought i should drive so rockstar could rest. we made it to victorville about 4 in the morning, thinking that poet was there waiting for us. come to find out that she was over an hour behind us in landcaster catching a couple hours of sleep at the tuxman's house. so with her behind us and exhaustion setting in, we decide to sleep for a while in victorville. mr. green climbed into the back seat of the car we were towing and was out as if he had gone 10 rounds with ali. rockstar fought sleeping for about 20 minutes, probably worried about the rest of his crew now behind us, but finally crashed. i couldn't sleep from simple paranoia (freak) and sleeping unprotected in a parking lot of a town i don't know. i think i managed to sleep for a half hour. (that is 30 minutes in almost 24 hours since i woke up last). we head out again around 5 am and find that poet is now 15 minutes ahead of us and is not sure where she should go and which freeways to take (come on so cal only has 80 thousand different freeways, how could you get lost in trying to pick the right one at 6am with little sleep). so we drive and we drive and we drive. i think i drove the remaining 7 hours from victorville to the desert (i drove a big truck for a living. so i was used to it). we finally pulled into the desert town around 11:30am on tues. i should have given poet a better map, because she went the wrong direction off the freeway, but she was able to locate a wonderful indian reservation. i forgot to ask if it had a casino.
so we pull up to the apartment complex were my friends are going to stay (for less than a year) and find that it is on the 3rd floor. this might not be so bad for someone 20, but 40 is a coronary just waiting to happen. so we get started moving the stuff from the truck to the palace on high... 36 steps to the top (i know this because i like to count things). poet hurried off to get the group some much needed food, since all we ate since dinner was an egg sandwich from a gas station (mr. green) and some glazed donut holes called "popem's". they make great floating spheres of dough at 60 miles an hour before they come back and hit our windshield (insert giddy laugher from tired people). anyway, we continue to move and move and climb stairs and so on and so on.... finally the truck is empty! i can't remember being so happy to see an empty truck! it was about 5:30 or so and we were all exhausted! even the kids, who by the way were very big helpers and did a great job.
so we sit down for a few minutes to rest our worn out bodies and just laugh about what a day it has been so far. mr. green decides to take a shower and get cleaned up for our flight home, so rockstar and i go fill the truck up with fuel and take it back to the rental place. the rental place could not have been any farther away from the palace. of course the rental place is closed, so rockstar fills out the return paperwork and we throw it and the keys in the door slot. cool we are finished!!!! my phone rings and it is green asking if we have seen his wallet? "did you check the overhead bins for stuff?" i thought that rockstar did it earlier, because he handed us stuff that was up there. well anyway, we had not checked up there before we turned in the keys. i told green that they would just have to mail it to him back home and he reminded me that we had to catch a flight home in 2 hours! i need my id duh... i was tired! so we call the rental company to see if they can call the owner of the rental yard to let us in to get the keys. "no way" we have no way of contacting them. ok! green gets on the phone with roadside ass-istance and they will come out for $105.00!!! i flipped a gasket because i hate it when others rip people off. we go to the rental yard to wait for the rip off artist. i had grabbed a wire hanger from the palace and thought that i could just snag the keys through the slot, but when we got there you would think that they minted gold inside from all the cameras they had going. screwed again. so i got on my phone and called 411 for non-emergency chandler police. i get a man and give him the story... we locked the wallet inside, need to catch an airplane, can see the keys, have a hanger, please sent a cop to witness my thievery. not 3 minutes later a cop shows up, takes our names, id and the like and says go for it! i stick the hanger in, make one minor adjustment and boom we have keys!!! the cop opens the door and looks around, then begins to chuckle, "did you have a walkie-talkie? some glasses and yes a wallet." we would have left our heads in there if given enough time. so now we have mr. green's wallet and glasses and we have M's walkie-talkie (a very important tool to a man in training).
rockstar dropped us off at the airport in just enough time to grab a bite (pizza was the only thing left) and a couple of water's with barley and hops. at this point they were simply sleep aids for our flight back home.
what did i tell you? an adventure huh? i am so glad i was able to be a part of this. mr. green and i will always have this memory to share and laugh at when we often think about our friends in the desert and when we see rockstar and poet again, we will have to laugh together first... because they have to move out in 8 months!
36 steps!
p.s. a funny thing as we were driving down caldwell on our way out. rockstar got a good whiff of dairy and said " i sure won't miss that". well as he was driving us to the airport in the desert, what did we drive by.... yep, love that dairy air!
i was not part of the "loading" party, which i must admit, doesn't bother me. i wasn't even going to be a part of the "moving" team either, but i thought (and was right) that they lacked sufficient help for the job ahead. so i got on line and booked a ticket to fly back from chandler, az. (the desert) with "mr. green" (i call him this because he has decided that saving the environment is his newest calling; by changing all bulbs with florescent bulbs and owning one of those hi-brid cars, but he doesn't yet recycle - go figure). anyway, i get a ticket for the same plane home that green is on. all is ok at this point. we were scheduled to leave mr. greens house around 8pm to make the drive less stressful on the poet's children (theoretically, they would sleep - nice thought, but restless) and less traffic. so the poet heads out before us to collect her thoughts (it is very sad to leave your known life behind to start a fresh one) and rockstar, mr. green and i load our butts into the big ass moving truck to start our trip. motor starts, stereo works, lights wo... what the hell, we do not have any low beam head lights. we start taking the truck apart to find a fuse or a relay or something that will fix our problem. we even started reading the truck manual. talk about useless! 1/3 of the entire manual was dedicated to how to operate the frickin radio!! we finally called the support services and they sent out a man to fix it. two burned out bulbs! not one, but two. i have never seen that happen in all my life. needless to say it is now 11:45pm and we are just starting our 12 hour drive to the desert.
rockstar drove for about 2 1/2 hours to mojave where we picked up fuel and i thought i should drive so rockstar could rest. we made it to victorville about 4 in the morning, thinking that poet was there waiting for us. come to find out that she was over an hour behind us in landcaster catching a couple hours of sleep at the tuxman's house. so with her behind us and exhaustion setting in, we decide to sleep for a while in victorville. mr. green climbed into the back seat of the car we were towing and was out as if he had gone 10 rounds with ali. rockstar fought sleeping for about 20 minutes, probably worried about the rest of his crew now behind us, but finally crashed. i couldn't sleep from simple paranoia (freak) and sleeping unprotected in a parking lot of a town i don't know. i think i managed to sleep for a half hour. (that is 30 minutes in almost 24 hours since i woke up last). we head out again around 5 am and find that poet is now 15 minutes ahead of us and is not sure where she should go and which freeways to take (come on so cal only has 80 thousand different freeways, how could you get lost in trying to pick the right one at 6am with little sleep). so we drive and we drive and we drive. i think i drove the remaining 7 hours from victorville to the desert (i drove a big truck for a living. so i was used to it). we finally pulled into the desert town around 11:30am on tues. i should have given poet a better map, because she went the wrong direction off the freeway, but she was able to locate a wonderful indian reservation. i forgot to ask if it had a casino.
so we pull up to the apartment complex were my friends are going to stay (for less than a year) and find that it is on the 3rd floor. this might not be so bad for someone 20, but 40 is a coronary just waiting to happen. so we get started moving the stuff from the truck to the palace on high... 36 steps to the top (i know this because i like to count things). poet hurried off to get the group some much needed food, since all we ate since dinner was an egg sandwich from a gas station (mr. green) and some glazed donut holes called "popem's". they make great floating spheres of dough at 60 miles an hour before they come back and hit our windshield (insert giddy laugher from tired people). anyway, we continue to move and move and climb stairs and so on and so on.... finally the truck is empty! i can't remember being so happy to see an empty truck! it was about 5:30 or so and we were all exhausted! even the kids, who by the way were very big helpers and did a great job.
so we sit down for a few minutes to rest our worn out bodies and just laugh about what a day it has been so far. mr. green decides to take a shower and get cleaned up for our flight home, so rockstar and i go fill the truck up with fuel and take it back to the rental place. the rental place could not have been any farther away from the palace. of course the rental place is closed, so rockstar fills out the return paperwork and we throw it and the keys in the door slot. cool we are finished!!!! my phone rings and it is green asking if we have seen his wallet? "did you check the overhead bins for stuff?" i thought that rockstar did it earlier, because he handed us stuff that was up there. well anyway, we had not checked up there before we turned in the keys. i told green that they would just have to mail it to him back home and he reminded me that we had to catch a flight home in 2 hours! i need my id duh... i was tired! so we call the rental company to see if they can call the owner of the rental yard to let us in to get the keys. "no way" we have no way of contacting them. ok! green gets on the phone with roadside ass-istance and they will come out for $105.00!!! i flipped a gasket because i hate it when others rip people off. we go to the rental yard to wait for the rip off artist. i had grabbed a wire hanger from the palace and thought that i could just snag the keys through the slot, but when we got there you would think that they minted gold inside from all the cameras they had going. screwed again. so i got on my phone and called 411 for non-emergency chandler police. i get a man and give him the story... we locked the wallet inside, need to catch an airplane, can see the keys, have a hanger, please sent a cop to witness my thievery. not 3 minutes later a cop shows up, takes our names, id and the like and says go for it! i stick the hanger in, make one minor adjustment and boom we have keys!!! the cop opens the door and looks around, then begins to chuckle, "did you have a walkie-talkie? some glasses and yes a wallet." we would have left our heads in there if given enough time. so now we have mr. green's wallet and glasses and we have M's walkie-talkie (a very important tool to a man in training).
rockstar dropped us off at the airport in just enough time to grab a bite (pizza was the only thing left) and a couple of water's with barley and hops. at this point they were simply sleep aids for our flight back home.
what did i tell you? an adventure huh? i am so glad i was able to be a part of this. mr. green and i will always have this memory to share and laugh at when we often think about our friends in the desert and when we see rockstar and poet again, we will have to laugh together first... because they have to move out in 8 months!
36 steps!
p.s. a funny thing as we were driving down caldwell on our way out. rockstar got a good whiff of dairy and said " i sure won't miss that". well as he was driving us to the airport in the desert, what did we drive by.... yep, love that dairy air!
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
more changes...
i finally made it home last night (just for the night, i am on the road again tonight) after 15 days away from home. it was so good to see my wife, kids and my house again, i can't tell you. but as usual, i returned home to "changed" things. my bedroom was changed around and we have new sheets and pillow cases and spread and pillows and ...... i like it, but it freaked me out to have so much change all at once. we are also the proud owner of a very over priced "coffee" maker and i don't drink coffee! new plants for the back yard! crazyness!
really the stuff isn't bothering me as much as knowing some more of my good friends are leaving me. it is such a hard thing for me to accept and deal with the "loss". i sometimes wish i didn't make friends, because then i wouldn't have to be sad when they left me. i am happy for the rockstar and poet, it will be a great blessing for them, but a great loss for me. i guess i will have to drive to arizona (do they have sierra nevada there?) and see my friends. maybe we will have to rent a bus and go down there and break in their neighbors as to how us "hicks" celebrate life. anyway, that is what is really bugging me. i do not really want to see them off. i am not sure i am ready for the emotions. maybe i can call in sick to their send-off. yeah, that's it, i got the flu! who am i kidding, i have to go and wish them well.
who the hell is next.... r.h.?
really the stuff isn't bothering me as much as knowing some more of my good friends are leaving me. it is such a hard thing for me to accept and deal with the "loss". i sometimes wish i didn't make friends, because then i wouldn't have to be sad when they left me. i am happy for the rockstar and poet, it will be a great blessing for them, but a great loss for me. i guess i will have to drive to arizona (do they have sierra nevada there?) and see my friends. maybe we will have to rent a bus and go down there and break in their neighbors as to how us "hicks" celebrate life. anyway, that is what is really bugging me. i do not really want to see them off. i am not sure i am ready for the emotions. maybe i can call in sick to their send-off. yeah, that's it, i got the flu! who am i kidding, i have to go and wish them well.
who the hell is next.... r.h.?
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
a lovely mess...
from outside the view is well
and all seems fine
yet all has turned to hell
in this fucking life of mine
i wonder is it the day
or just a state of mind
looking for the pay
or something i can't find
a mess i will admit
a depth i would not share
a moment to commit
to this tired nightmare
so full of rage
an anger uncontrolled
release me from this cage
it's dark lonely and cold
where does this hide
in the dark recess of my mind
a path i need not to abide
if the less traveled path i could find
i hate inside my head
the empty space i call me
i am not yet dead
but sometimes wish to be
and all seems fine
yet all has turned to hell
in this fucking life of mine
i wonder is it the day
or just a state of mind
looking for the pay
or something i can't find
a mess i will admit
a depth i would not share
a moment to commit
to this tired nightmare
so full of rage
an anger uncontrolled
release me from this cage
it's dark lonely and cold
where does this hide
in the dark recess of my mind
a path i need not to abide
if the less traveled path i could find
i hate inside my head
the empty space i call me
i am not yet dead
but sometimes wish to be
Saturday, April 09, 2005
gone too long...
i am getting so tired of the travel. i am tired of hotels, airplanes, rental cars and slacks. i am tired of missing my wife and my kids and my friends. i am tired of missing a life... a normal life. i was talking to my parents (while i am here i should probably talk to them) anyway, the topic of my job came up and my mom said "you really hate your job, don't you?" i said that i didn't really hate it, but that i hated being away from home so often and missing so much of my life with my family. my dad made a comment that i would not have the "lifestyle" or any of the nice things that i have if i didn't do what i am doing. you must understand, this is how my dad thinks and how he operates - not bad, not good - he is simply a provider. now i agree that much of my lifestyle has been afforded due to my job, but not all (my wife helps tremendously!). this to me poses a much bigger question in my mind and that is; what price do we accept for success? what cost do we deem acceptable to maintain a certain "lifestyle"? is all this really worth spending days away from my wife, sleeping alone in a crummy hotel in podunk nowhere? is it worth missing my children's events and miss seeing them learn their way thru life? is it worth not having some structure in my life so that i can do more of the things that i enjoy - music, friends, motorcycles... life? i should be, and i am grateful that i have a job and a good job at that, but it is starting to wear thin on me. i don't feel that anyone really understands how i feel or what the big deal is. i mean i take off when ever i want (i have taken entire weeks off, without vacation) but i get reprimanded and questioned why i did not work, which makes me feel guilty, but neglecting my home life (wife, kids, house, church and friends) also makes me feel guilty. it really is a catch 22. sucks either way.
i will continue on so that i may provide for my family and provide for our "lifestyle", because that is what men do and that is what i am programmed to do - provide for my family. i guess the costs to me really when you look it like that - to provide - are not that important. besides, i am not sure that i am really missed when i am gone. it is sort of a reprieve from the tyrant that is me. and most of the time i muck up the system that the girls have going without me. i should just shut my pie hole and get to work!
i will continue on so that i may provide for my family and provide for our "lifestyle", because that is what men do and that is what i am programmed to do - provide for my family. i guess the costs to me really when you look it like that - to provide - are not that important. besides, i am not sure that i am really missed when i am gone. it is sort of a reprieve from the tyrant that is me. and most of the time i muck up the system that the girls have going without me. i should just shut my pie hole and get to work!
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
crazy mormons...
this has to be the weirdest place on earth. the mormons have such control of everything. i still hate this state. the oddity of this place is there are hot women everywhere. i mean there are good looking women in others places, but there are an extraordinary amount here. it sort of reminds me of stepford wives. too perfect, you know. it is probably written in their book of mormom to create hot women, that can pop out 6 to 18 kids each! weird!
i can't wait to get home to my own hot wife! i only have to wait 13 more days.
i can't wait to get home to my own hot wife! i only have to wait 13 more days.
Sunday, April 03, 2005
the journey begins...
well i made it to las vegas to begin my 19 day adventure away from home. i leave for salt lake city tomorrow morning. i really hate the state of utah, but i must go and try to steal some business from the mormon competitor in slc. it is almost pointless, but i will give it a try. i will be there for a week and then fly back to vegas. the only saving grace is i will visit my parents while i am in vegas, but that can also be a pain... too much of one's parents can drive one nuts!!! i would rather be snuggled up next to my wife (no offence mom) and listening to my kids be crazy.
i received a "shout out" in church today. not that it was a good thing - more like a call for me to call on my community of friends, or something to that effect. i have a bad habit of not asking for help, as most of you who read this stupid blog, can agree to. i know it is sort of dumb, but i am very aware of others time and my lack of preparedness. i am sorry that i do not call on my friends... but i will call you to come over and visit and eat and laugh and swill beer and laugh and fellowship and enjoy each other and laugh at me for being so damn stubborn and maybe laugh some more. i really am thankful to everyone who has made an offer of help and those who have managed to actually help me do some of the dumb stuff i do. i wish i didn't care about what it looked like or how it was done because i would just pay someone else to do all the work so we could sit around and enjoy them doing the work while we laugh at how lazy i am!
anyway, i better go for now, gotta pack a bag and get ready for my flight. take care and i'll see you in almost a month.
i received a "shout out" in church today. not that it was a good thing - more like a call for me to call on my community of friends, or something to that effect. i have a bad habit of not asking for help, as most of you who read this stupid blog, can agree to. i know it is sort of dumb, but i am very aware of others time and my lack of preparedness. i am sorry that i do not call on my friends... but i will call you to come over and visit and eat and laugh and swill beer and laugh and fellowship and enjoy each other and laugh at me for being so damn stubborn and maybe laugh some more. i really am thankful to everyone who has made an offer of help and those who have managed to actually help me do some of the dumb stuff i do. i wish i didn't care about what it looked like or how it was done because i would just pay someone else to do all the work so we could sit around and enjoy them doing the work while we laugh at how lazy i am!
anyway, i better go for now, gotta pack a bag and get ready for my flight. take care and i'll see you in almost a month.
Friday, April 01, 2005
rocks and telephones...
i have been working on my back yard for the majority of a week now. i am tired! i have moved 6 yards of rocks with one wheel barrow and one shovel, one load at a time. i would have asked for help, but as usual, i was unprepared for the task before me. i bought the rocks in hope that it would motivate me to do some work in the yard, not realizing that i was totally not ready to put rocks in the yard. hello, dumbass, be better prepared! anyway, i have moved the rocks, put in drains (pipe around my patio) added drip irrigation and ran wire for yard lighting. i have even found time to plant some plants (this is my wife's department, but she had to take a trip, so i thought i would help out) and a couple of trees. i am looking forward to the day i can just look out there and do nothing, but enjoy it. i want my friends to come over and enjoy it too.
my buddy, d. giles, my handy sbc service expert came and fixed my phone today as well. it was nice to have the company, even if it was only for a few minutes. it is funny how lonely i get when my family is away. i know i travel most of the time and i am without family, but when i am home they should be here... it is just the way it is. anyway, it is good to have the phone working again, so i can receive my useless telemarketing calls and calls from 12 year old girls asking "is caitlyn there?". i really don't think we need a house phone (i sure didn't miss it for the 3 days it was out), but if i didn't have it, my buddy might not be able to have a job fixing that which breaks in the phone system. besides, i think his tools are pretty cool and i enjoy seeing him walk around his van to pick up those damn orange cones.
with all this excitement, how could anything top this...well, i have discovered mike's hard lemonade (thanks again giles) and the thrill of drinking an ice cold one while taking a shower after a long day in the yard moving rocks! ahhhhhhhhh........
my buddy, d. giles, my handy sbc service expert came and fixed my phone today as well. it was nice to have the company, even if it was only for a few minutes. it is funny how lonely i get when my family is away. i know i travel most of the time and i am without family, but when i am home they should be here... it is just the way it is. anyway, it is good to have the phone working again, so i can receive my useless telemarketing calls and calls from 12 year old girls asking "is caitlyn there?". i really don't think we need a house phone (i sure didn't miss it for the 3 days it was out), but if i didn't have it, my buddy might not be able to have a job fixing that which breaks in the phone system. besides, i think his tools are pretty cool and i enjoy seeing him walk around his van to pick up those damn orange cones.
with all this excitement, how could anything top this...well, i have discovered mike's hard lemonade (thanks again giles) and the thrill of drinking an ice cold one while taking a shower after a long day in the yard moving rocks! ahhhhhhhhh........
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