where do i line up for one...

christmas downsizing...

Todays global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for
better, more competitive steps.

Effective immediately, the following
economy measures are to take place in the Twelve Days of Christmas subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be
the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging
plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not
cost-effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could
not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the
French.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system,
with a call waiting option. An analysis is under way to determine who
the birds have been calling, how often, and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other
precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks
appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per
goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese
will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel
will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a
good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times.
Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are in order.
The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and
therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being
sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no
upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try
a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be
phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords plus the expense
of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to
suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While
leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant
because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of
the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a
cutback on new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will
drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals
and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching
deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one
day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession(thirteen lawyers-a-suing),action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cut may be necessary
in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will
request management to scrutinise the Snow White Division to see if seven
dwarfs is the right number.

la, la, la la, la, la...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.

He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carol's."

i've fallen and i can't get up...

it has been two days since this country lost its sense and its ability to use rational judgment and i am scared. i already feel less safe from the terrorist world and i feel like i am being prepped for an anal probe (demonstrated here by ms. pelosi), just to see how many more tax dollars i can shit out to pay for a domestic agenda of welfare and meaningless handouts.

at least my state voted arnuld back in, which is surprising, since democrats seemed to have won so many other positions. but, i guess you can't really consider arnuld a true conservative anyway, so that fits with the stupidity of this state.

it will be interesting to see what happens and how we do as a society, pushing a useless domestic agenda, and having a "let's run and bury our heads in the sand and this will all go away" foreign policy.

W, get that damn VETO stamp warmed up!

Redneck Special Forces...

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces.

These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma , Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.

5. They are all gay.

6. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.


The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

too good to pass up...

--------retirement momentarily detoured














kerry eats ketchup again...

ok, now i'm out!

i'm outta here...

i am going to stop blogging for a while. i know, i do this all the time and then i come back, but this last short break must not have been long enough because i have nothing to say. nothing new, nothing creative, nothing my own... the tv has started to show color settings and playing the national anthem (those of you old enough, will understand this). i will leave you with some parting thoughts until i return again...

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia ." (Charles Schultz)

.....................

Free double-pane energy windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo, just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year,....namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! (I told him.) There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up....

He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument.


..................

Camels

The picture above was taken of camels in the desert.

It is considered one of the best pictures of the year (2005).

Look closely, the camels are the little white lines in the picture.

The black you see is just the shadows!

.....................

GO AND VOTE

make sure you go and vote! i'm not telling you who to vote for (republican) but you need to get out there and make your voice heard (republican) because if you do not... you have no right to complain (democrat)!

...................



HAPPY PUMPKIN DAY

how long do we have...

This is interesting for anyone....even a Democrat.

Read and Think....??

How Long Do We Have?

About the time our original thirteen states adopted their new constitution in 1787, Alexander Tyler, a Scottish history professor at the University of Edinburgh, had this to say about the fall of the Athenian Republic some 2,000 years earlier:

"A democracy is always temporary in nature; it simply cannot exist as a permanent form of government. A democracy will continue to exist up until the time that voters discover they can vote themselves generous gifts from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always vote for the candidates who promise the most benefits from the public treasury, with the result that every democracy will finally collapse due to loose fiscal policy, which is always followed by a dictatorship."

"The average age of the world's greatest civilizations from the beginning of history, has been about 200 years. During those 200 years, those nations always progressed through the following sequence:

1. From bondage to spiritual faith;
2. From spiritual faith to great courage;
3. From courage to liberty;
4. From liberty to abundance;
5. From abundance to complacency;
6. From complacency to apathy;
7. From apathy to dependence;
8. From dependence back into bondage"

Professor Joseph Olson of Hamline University School of Law in St. Paul, Minnesota, points out some interesting facts concerning the 2000 Presidential election:

Population of counties won by: Gore: 127 million; Bush: 143 million
Square miles of land won by: Gore: 580,000; Bush: 2,427,000
States won by: Gore: 19; Bush: 29
Murder rate per 100,000 residents in counties won by: Gore: 13.2; Bush: 2.1

Professor Olson adds: "In aggregate, the map of the territory Bush won was mostly the land owned by the taxpaying citizens of this great country. Gore's territory mostly encompassed those citizens living in government-owned tenements and living off various forms of government welfare..."

Olson believes the United States is now somewhere between the"complacency and apathy" phase of Professor Tyler's definition of democracy, with some forty percent of the nation's population already having reached the "governmental dependency" phase.

If Congress grants amnesty and citizenship to twenty million criminal invaders called illegals and they vote, then goodbye to the USA in fewer than five years.

always PC...

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, all Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore ..

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK". She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER". She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."


5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you- She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT"- He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER"- He is "OVERLY-CAUCASIAN." (love that one!!)

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"

shooting the bull...

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other.

He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United States Congress. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for the rest of the day."

why dogs bite...

new terms...