doing the right thing...

i should be on my vacation right now. i am sure that i would have looked lincoln square in the eye by now on mt. rushmore and i would have seen that crazy devil's tower mountain (the one in close encounters of the 3rd kind - maybe only us older people know it) anyway i am not in south dakota - i am in california. i decided (with my riding mates) not to go on our trip to sturgis this year because a friend of ours, the president of our motorcycle group, was diagnosed with cancer. turns out to be leukemia so he is having massive chemo as we speak. we ride in the CMA which is the christian motorcyclist association. he is the president of our chapter, new hope riders, and i am the vice president. so, making a long story short, i am now the president. i never really wanted to be the president, but i guess i am stuck now so i better do a good job. i do want to finish my freinds year and do it right for him, so i will do my best. anyway we stayed home from our trip so we can get our chapter organized to raise funds and take care of his family as best we can. we might take a trip to san francisco to the hospital, but i don't think he can have visitors yet, due to his low white count after chemo. maybe we will just rev our motors outside his window. i really hate cancer!

i have had to carry so much shit lately that i can hardly breath, much less feel as if i have a life. i am so ready to win the lottery so i can just stop and get off the spinning wheel. i guess i should play the lotto if i expect to win. i have lost touch with everything in my existence (not life - existence). i really need to have more God and so much less me. i think that would start the process of lifting my burdens and strengthening me to be the man i want to be. i am so weak and such a sucky christian and such a shit as a human being at this moment that i can hardly stand myself. i will have my 7 yr anniversary on the 8th and i am wondering how my wife has put up with me for this long? she is a saint and the best damn woman a man could ever ask for. (and yes i do tell her) but i also am the worst to her and have too short of a fuse with the person who is the best to me. again, i suck!

i had a friend say he was living with God in one room and himself in another, which i found so true. but he also said that his christian life was like a rose bush. the flowers come and go (spirituality) but the roots to the bush were strong and would continue to grow (faith). i really like that analogy so much. it has really kept me going as i struggle to understand the why's of this life and the questions i have about life. (thanks mw) maybe i should go and open the door to the guest bedroom. it is time i visited with my company and welcome Him to roam the house with me.