drugs...

you know i could really fall in love with drugs. well, not illegal drugs, but i like vicodin. i had some surgery a few weeks back and they gave me 20 pills. i must admit that i like the euphoria that comes with pain medication. i like the feeling of a cool beer buzz also, but you can get so full. nothing filling about pills! i will be glad when the pills are gone... yes i will consume every last one of them (not all at once, mind you) and then i will have no more until the next time i fall apart and require surgery. i fell in love with viks in the 80's when i broke my leg. i used to eat them like candy... doctors really should do a better job of monitoring how many pill scripts they hand out. i guess the addiction to prescription meds is so well documented that most people are more aware of the problem and the effects it has on people.

while i am telling personals... i have to admit that i cannot stand michael jackson! he is such a freak and i think he is a perv as well. he is a very sick person. it is hard to take anything he does or says seriously... when you can hear his girlish voice. if he is found guilty, i hope he goes to prison for a long time. he needs to be off the street and kept away from boys... i am not sure his fellow inmates will take too kindly to his type though.

anyway, not much else going on here in sacramento. i have been looking for arnold, but have been unsuccessful in my search. i am sure he off fighting girlie men somewhere.

my grandma e-mailed me today. she is really feeling lonely now that pop is gone. she is toughing it out, but i am sure it is hard for her. they were married for over 50 years and he had been retired for the last 30 some odd years, so they did everything together. i hope that she will lean on us (her family) and not try to stand alone on this.

i gotta go do my drugs now.... oh, i don't have any beer to wash them down, so forget it! i will just go to bed and sleep.

alone

I walk tenderly over the jagged rocks
Knowing with every step I bleed
Hearing the voices ask may I guide you
But somehow wanting to struggle with the loss

Alone in my pain
No one worldly knowing my anguish
Or how I will get through this
As I meander beside their souls

The one I’ve chosen
Simply too lost to grab hold
Having no sense of my depth
Or how much I suffer

Alone in my pain
Seemingly alone in my world
Without the one to connect
If only the desire to know

I hide in my smile
To bind my sorrow somewhere unknown
The one I’ve chosen
Chooses not to dwell in the openness

Alone in my pain
I cry in the silence
Of my own existence
Without hope that anyone will hear

The stones dig deep
The blood runs vivid red
The voices to carry me diminish
As I no longer react with emotion

Alone in my pain
I bury all that holds me
And treats me kind
For all that is bitter

My hope lies not
In my chosen
For distant repetition
Is leading my jagged path

Alone in my pain
Alone to long for an end
Alone in understanding
Alone in being alone

when it rains...

it pours. it has been a while since i posted, so let's see what has gone on. i took a trip to north carolina, my grandpa died and i had my gall bladder removed. kind of a slow week huh? i had to go to north carolina for work and while i was there my grandpa died (on the 12th) so i proceeded to drink too much, thanks to the concern of my fellows work mates, who were worried about my spirits. they were right, i was bummed big time. if you have read any of my post you know that my grandpa (pop) had cancer, so it shouldn't come as any surprise that he passed away, but it still hurts. his fare well service was today in lake havasu, az were he lived and loved to fish. he was cremated and spread in the lake were he loved to hang out, so that was fitting. i asked my mom to bring me a small bottle of lake water so i can water my tree in my front yard and i will always think of pop when i look at it. why did i not go to the service - i had surgery 2 days ago to have my gall bladder removed. i had stones in it and didn't know it and i had an attack on monday night (tues morn 2:30am) and found myself in the hospital for 3 days. feeling somewhat human now, with the added four holes in my stomach. one good thing, i will probably weigh at least a quarter pound lighter! it has been a crazy few weeks. i hope for less drama in the coming weeks. maybe my ailment is timed just right to keep me from being overly sad at the loss of my grandfather. God always takes care of us, just not always how we think it should go down. time for a pain pill or two!

finally

i have some good news for a change. that dumb fucking dog that my wife got finally took a shit outside without me throwing her out the door!!!!!!!!!!! i know this because i watched her sniffing around the garage (the one of two places she lazily prefers to crap - the other is the house of course). she sniffed around, smelling the bleach water that i just got done spraying all over the floor of the garage (to hide the smell of her previous gazillion other piles of crap), and then she proceeded to go out the dog door and shit outside. it was a banner event in our house. i still can't stand the dog because she is really stupid, but it was a step in the right direction for a change.

i love you - goodbye

we met in the strangest of places
unknown people with unknown faces.
two people meeting maybe by chance
or maybe it was fate’s wicked dance.
you and i connecting as one
sensing something had just begun.
time passed, turning day into night
turning something strange into something so right.

i looked in your eyes, seeing so much more
sensing feelings i hadn’t often felt before.
your kiss so passionate, soft and true
how i melted making love with you.
touching your skin, feeling your life flow
holding you tight and never letting go.
holding your hand as you called out my name
knowing that tone; i too felt the same.

we met in the strangest of places
unknown people with unknown faces.
now we part having known each other
happy that it wasn’t another.
i love you, goodbye, is how it will end
someday soon my heart will mend.
i love you was always there in my head
only i love you are the words that i never said.

as good as it gets

i heard a story between a husband and wife. the man told his wife he couldn't wait until "things" calmed down and life settled down. her comment to him was "what if this is as calm as it is ever going to get?"

that is something to think about - what if this is as good as it is ever going to be. not that life is bad or anything like that, but life is so hectic and crazy on a day to day basis, that it is fair to think that it should "calm" down at some point and be "better".

we have been on this wheel for so long i am not sure we would know how to live any other way.

Christmas

Christmas this year was very different. good or bad i am not sure. maybe it would be from your perspective. i received a call on dec 19 from my mom letting me know that my grandpa rich (pop) has terminal liver cancer. he started with colon cancer and we thought he kicked it, but it has come back with a vengeance to kick his ass. the doctors tell him that he has 3 months or less to live. how do you "live" when you know you are not going to live. i mean we all are going to die (at least in this body) that is a given. unless you are ted williams and get yourself frozen, there is no way out of this place other than dying. anyway, i decided to go and spend Christmas with him, as did many members of my family. deb and the girls could not come with me, which sucks, but i admire and respect my wife for keeping to her responsibilities and not flaking at the last minute. i was not really prepared to take a trip over Christmas, so i quickly made arrangements. i was shocked at how bad my grandpa looked. he is already so yellow from jaundice. he is grumpy and irritable (who wouldn't be) and tired all the time. this brings me to my point. what is an appropriate prayer for him. do i want God to heal him, sure, but is that God's will? if he heals him now, will he not sooner or later suffer again from the body of this world breaking down? sometimes i question why God has made us the way He has. i understand the whole issue of free will and choice, but why do we have to suffer so much in our journey seeking God and His grace. i did not really pray for a miracle to transform my grandpa back to a model of wonderful heath, but that God's will for him will be done. if that means taking him home, so be it (another opportunity for me to accept f...ing change!) i asked that peace be granted to him and that God would pour, in dump truck size loads, His Spirit on him. i am really just so confused about how to deal with this. i know i do not want to question God and His plan for us or blame Him for bringing grief on my family, but sometimes it is hard. i know that i should use this to build my faith and my love for God. it is not easy, but i guess being faithful is not always meant to be an easy walk. i hope that if His will is to take my pop that He makes it as quick and painless as possible and i can take comfort in knowing that my pop has said the sinners prayer and his King has prepared a place for him in His kingdom. i have been reading the comments on spiltwine regarding faith vs, religion by people more enlightened than me and they pose some very interesting insights to faith and religion. i choose to accept my faith by whichever means it has come to me, just being thankful that i have it and continue to try and believe in it and grow it (my faith, not religion).

pop, i will miss you. i was robbed of my childhood with you in my life and have only known you 8 or 9 years, but i love you very much. i will always be glad we got to go fishing and we spent the small amount of time we did. i am proud to be your grandson and i will try very hard to share you to my kids and my grand kids. Gods peace to you.

fishing with pop 

my everything 

birthdays

why is it that birthdays always seem to suck? not the turning another year older, just the day in general? they always fall apart.


happy birthday, my love. you are as beautiful and lovely as the day i first met you 23 years ago!
i look foward to sharing many more birthdays, anniversaries and just plain old days with you. you keep me here and breathing. i love you and i will follow my heart forever.

dogs

i now remember why i do not like puppies. now don't get me wrong i think they are cute and funny just like anyone else, but i hate the fact that they pee and shit on the floor. i don't quite see eye to eye with germs as it is, but to have urine on the rug is almost more than i can deal with.

my wife got a puppy while i was away on business. i told her i didn't really want another dog. to no surprise, my wife did not listen to me on this matter, as usual. if you know harlie, our dog now, you know she can be more than a pain in the ass, but also more than lovable. so my assumption was that we did not require a new puppy, but deb thought that harlie needed a friend. maybe so, but i think friends should tell friends how to crap outside! anyway we now have added lucy to our family and i am scrambling to find some disinfectant!

funerals

i will start this by saying again how much i hate change. so with that, i have just spent the better part of this day at a funeral. our friend's father passed away the day before thanksgiving. he had throat cancer, so it was not a total shock that he expired, but how quickly he passed was. now i realize that change, in this case death, is a certainty, but i still don't have to like it. i am always saddened at funerals, even if i know they are Christians. the finality of knowing you will not see that person in this life. it is amazing to me how many people one life touches. these people may have nothing in common other than the fact that they know you. if you have ever had thoughts of suicide, this does pass through your mind - would anyone really miss me? i am sure there are some people who pass away and no one misses them, but i think for most of us there are many people who would miss us in many different ways. i know i will miss my friends dad's gentle smile and mild demeanor. he touched many people.

i am at the age that people in my life, who have always been in my life, are going to start to pass away. you want to talk about screwing up someone who likes things to stay the same. i am sure that i will not handle death - family, friends or anyone for that matter - it just freaks me out! i have thought of death, my own, many times. my demise does not bother me, it's leaving me here to deal with someone else's death that bothers me. i guess i am just weak or an idiot for not having the ability to cope with "permanent change". maybe i am here so those of you who deal well with change have someone to compare yourselves against, a bench mark if you will. "i can cope with all things and you are just a sissy!" that is one way to feel better about one's self and if i wasn't here to be the sissy, someone might feel really low about themselves. it is sort of like being unattractive... if it wasn't for those of us unbeautiful people, you good looking people wouldn't know it, because you... i digress again.

we were talking about death, change and the like. does anyone know where their grandparents are buried? if you do do you go there? why do we bury people? so we can return to mourn the loss? does it give us some sort of connection to them, just a place to remember them? i am certain that i do not want a funeral. cremation would be ok. a dinner party with lots of food and some beer would be cool, but not a funeral. i do not want anyone to see me dead - it is not me! i laugh, i cry, i smile, i love, i ride motorcycles, i play music badly, i sing even worse, i say stupid things and i am just plain silly. that is what i want to be remembered for not a cold pale lifeless pile of shit in a fancy box. i would rather have someone say i was an ass, than say they remember what i looked like in my box.

i do not like change. that is something i must live with for it is always a guarantee - everything changes, everything dies and we can do nothing to change that.