not that there's anything wrong with it...

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new rooster for his chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you can't handle ALL of these hens. Look at what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You're washed up and I'm taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. As they round the front porch of the farmhouse, the young rooster has closed the gap. He's only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer meanwhile, sitting in his usual spot on the front porch, sees the roosters running by.

He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn, that's the third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story? ... Don't mess with us OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

first kiss...

So, it's your first kiss and several questions might come to mind:

Is it the right time?

Is anyone watching?

Does your partner even want to?

Is your breath fresh?

And ... should you use some tongue?

Then you lean in and just go for it!!!

i wish...

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN, GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?

My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.

Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to all terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes Amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch you're precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2 Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of one another; you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put 'em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin’'."

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic. God bless America. Thank you and good night. If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

I remember...

I remember five years ago today. A memory that is still fresh, as if it were only yesterday.

Do you recall where you were? Do you remember what you were doing five years ago today?

Will any of us ever be able to forget how or what we felt as we watched the attacks on the World Trade Center, the Pentagon and a field in Pennsylvania? Within a few hours our whole existence as Americans changed.

These memories are something I hope that none of us will ever forget. I also hope that we will never forget the innocent victims of this terrorist act.

Today, I remember Randolph Scott. I remember crying the day he was murdered. I remember where I was the moment my mom called me to ask if I was watching the television. I remember how I felt - total disbelief and shock.

I never met Randolph Scott, but we will forever be linked together in a moment that has changed us forever. We shared common interest in life; the love of our wives, our children and motorcycles. We shared the routine of going to work each morning, so we could provide for our families and those which we loved. Today, I remember Randy Scott, a loving husband, a loving and giving father and a wonderful American.

Today, just like everyday, I remember.