starting to blue...

and so it begins - the holiday blues. i tend to really dislike the month of december. not that it is such a bad month or that i become all consumed with shopping and all that stuff. i just get so exhausted with all the fuss and activity that transacts in this month. every commercial is for junk that few of us need. everyone is in a hurry to go shopping and blow their money on previously said junk. "get out of my way i need that gift..." merry christmas to you too.

i am looking forward to january and a new beginning, thus giving me eleven month of peace before i have to be disgusted once again. i need a nap!

time to post something...

i have been requested to update this stupid blog. i wish i had something useful and enlightening to say, but i do not. seems like i have not had time to use my brain for anything creative. i have been trying to work more (because spending time with one's family can be so over rated!)

i did recently just take a trip to spokane washington for a week-end of motocross riding. a friend of mine (work associate) has a couple of bikes and let me ride one. it was a KTM 450 and i fell in love with it. fastest bike i have ever riden, on dirt anyway.

i wish i had one of my own, but it is pretty expensive and untouchable at this time. maybe someday.

i have also gone camping with my family (yes quality time with my family - work is really over rated!) and we had a great time. we went dirt biking up in hollister. i just got my youngest daughter a new motorcycle; her first one with a clutch and 5 gears. she took off like nothing and i was really happy that she did so good. she likes to ride and camp. good family time, but my wife crashed, as usual, twice and is bruised to the point of abuse (i don't beat her on her face, just hips and thighs!) she still wants to ride, so that is good - i think.

well, that is not very exciting or thought provoking, but it is new. have a great thanksgiving holiday (canadian friends, have a good day eh!)

99 bottles of beer...

i have been in colorado for 4 days now so i decided to treat myself to a free tour of the coors brewing company. man it is huge and a really awesome thing to see. i want a job there - they get 9 cases a month at a 40% discount. the only thing better than that would be free beer. it was very facinating to see the size and scale of their beer making process. it is astounding that we (society as a whole) consume that much beer. the plant runs 24/7/365. did you know that coors invented the aluminum can in 1959? yep. this is one of the many useless trivia facts that are now part of my encyclopedia of useless facts that will only win me points in drunken trivial pursuit. i enjoyed myself. the best part was getting my 3 free samples of any beer or zima that i wanted. i tried blue moon (very good), winterfest (seasonal, dark by coors standards) and a flavored zima (frozen slurpy style black cherry). i liked the blue moon the best - more like a sierra nevada or fat tire than a coors light. did you know that coors and molsen are now partners? yep, molsen-coors is the official moniker, giving respect to molsen for brewing long before ol' adolph started. more uselessness.

nothing to say...

it has been so long since i have posted, most probably thought me to be dead. nope, just lazy and left with nothing to say.

life has been crazy lately and i am ready for the ride to come to a full and complete stop so i can go around and get in line for another trip. we always complain at an amusement park about waiting in line, but in reality maybe it is a way for us to recharge, recoup and prepare for the next go round on the ride. what an e-ticket it has been. i have been so busy that i have not had one week-end to do anything for myself or to my home. my garage is still an absolute disaster and getting worse if that is possible. i haven't even looked at my pool in a month (too cold now to swim anyway) i am ready for a break.

i quit the band - no more music (the thing i liked the most). quit the motorcycle group (my term in office is over in dec.) and have said NO to a great many things. 2006 is looking good for r&r, family time and some me time.

deb, caity and i took our first camping trip with our new trailer. we had a whole lot of things go wrong as we were trying to leave for the coast, but nothing that stopped our trip. started out we had a problem with our weight distribution hitch. went to the local rv dealer and got that taken care of. the dealer we bought our rv from will be paying for that fix, even if they don't know it yet. then we are driving to morro bay and it is getting dark... turn on the lights - bam no more running lights to the trailer. not much i can do in the middle of no where. we drive on. so we arrive in mb and i have to set up our trailer, for the first time, in the dark. it actually wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. i had set it up a couple of times in the drive way and at the place we store it, so i had a good idea what i was doing, but i have never had to have it level and hook up all the stuff - water, electricity, sewer. well i left off the sewer until the end of the weekend because the tanks can hold 40 gal. (that is a lot of pooh) anyway, sat rolls around and i go into town to get a fuse for the truck and fix the running lights. i also picked up a coax cable to hook up to the cable tv outlet at the campground - maiden voyage, had to see if everything works! (i spent the rest of sat watching usc beat the irish in a classic and then watched nascar. i have not sat for that much tv in months, maybe years.) it was great! sunday came and we loaded up and came home. after all the beginning headaches, the week-end went really well and i am looking forward to our next big adventure - dirtbiking in hollister with no hook-ups (damn, no cable tv). it will be another new experience - full self containment.

well i guess i said some stuff. maybe this will break my writers block and give me some mental power to be creative.

outrun...

i have outrun my spirit.
i am so far ahead
i cannot hear it.
i cannot feel it or even know it.

i am a running mass of flesh.
no feelings of calm
or time to refresh.
i cannot stop this wheel from spinning.

i do know the day or hour.
but come Lord
for this world is sour.
i want to go, my fuse is lit.

i am outrunning my soul
and it is leaving
my life's a little drowl.
this crazy life i should be winning.

moved...

i attended my first "real" Bible study tonight. first, i must admit that at first i had some apprehension about participating because of my lack of knowledge of the Bible and my lack of complete believability in the facts of the good book. not that i am faithless, on the contrary, i am all about being faithful and to a big extent spiritual. so, i was afraid that i would not "fit" in with the group and i would feel feeble in my endeavor to sound informed. i worried that the people i sat down to study with, would be so far intellectually ahead of me, i would feel dump.

i worried, like an ass, for nothing! i am not saying that they aren't wiser than me in things Bible, they are, but they welcomed me so nicely that i could not help but feel good and want to participate. my wife had to leave early, so she left me the one brain cell that her and i mutually share, so i would at minimum be able to read the words before me. this i did with aplomb.

we had some very in depth discussions about why God created us in the first place and if He knew before we were created that we would sin, why do it? love seemed to be the reason i recall being expounded. His love for us and His desire that we should be Holy and chosen as His adopted child. i am really summarizing and not very well at that, but i at least got something out of it and i walked out much differently than i walked in. i wish i could say that about church on sundays.

some of you fellow students read this blog - thank you for inviting me and my better half to participate and learn along with you. i know it will help me in dealing with my struggle to be a Godly man. i look forward to the next time that i can attend.


Lord, give me strength to overcome my doubts.
build my strength beyond measure.
fill me with your love and understanding
so i may have clarity for that with i do not understand.
provide me the wisdom to seek you daily
and turn my burdens over to you.
i believe you are true. i believe you will never leave me.
let my obedience build my faith
and may i never leave you on the shelf,
seeking you only in my need, but seeking you for praise.
thank you for choosing me so i may chose you.

in Jesus name
Amen

landing gear at 90 degrees...

tonight i had dinner with a friend from high school. it has been 21 years since we graduated, but it is funny how it seems like yesterday.

tonight we sat at a bar in colton california and watched an injured jet liner land without incident. the front landing gear was turned to a 90 degree angle, unable to roll with a normal landing. we sat with the thought that we might witness disaster right there on the tv screen. the plane had been flying on a circle out in the ocean, dumping fuel and burning it so they might not blow up into a fire ball upon landing. we watched as it flew around, waiting for eminent danger. i imagined the horror i might witness and how i would react or how i would feel. a few beers into the ordeal, i was greatly moved and concerned.

the pilot of this aircraft is a true hero and one cool customer. i have never seen a more perfect landing in my life and all, essentially, without a front wheel. it was really good to see something good happen on the news for a change. well done.

remembering...

today it has been 4 years since america was violated and abused by the spawns of satan and his hoards from hell wearing a towel for a hat. now i know that is not a very kind thing to say and not everyone who wears a turban is a fanatical killer of innocent human beings. but, it is had to not feel some animosity towards individuals of that race or religion, because you never know if they are the "one" to harbor hatred for me and my family. these terrorist hate us (americans) without any regard to who we are or anything that we have done to them personally. they just want us all dead. they claim to be religious but that we are infidels and we should be exterminated. what the hell kind of religion is that and why would any one choose to be a part of such hatred and bigotry? my God tells me that my anger and hatred and desire to see every one of them wiped off the face of the earth, is wrong. it is bad and i am wrong for thinking that way. it is hard and painful to not hold ill feelings for those people and it is even harder to forgive. i know this though, as i sat watching a tribute to 9-11-01, shedding tears of sadness and pride, i know i will not and never can forget the horror and destruction of that day and i will not forget how proud i was and still am of the men and women who fought back, who gave their life to try and save others and those stepped up and showed this country's strength and determination to survive and overcome. i will never forget!

LET'S ROLL!

in the water...

i have been watching the news regarding the aftermath from katrina and can't help wonder why anyone would want to stay there. i realize that they have no communications telling them how toxic the water is or how bad it is going to get. i realize that many of these people had very little to begin with; maybe the house they lived in and whatever fit inside. now all that is gone. i might be leary to leave for fear that i will lose everything. but in reality they have lost everything - it is time to get the fuck out or lose your life!

i am very sad about the looting and the general decay of civilization that occurred there. it was impossible to determine from the footage if the stealing was out of necessity (food, water, diapers...) or simply greed (stereos, tvs and the like). what have we done to ourselves? is there no longer an idea of moral decency and respect for your fellow man. i read an article that stated; the real disaster and sadness has been man-made. the true disaster is how members of our civilization, our citizens acted like cave dwelling thugs and anarchist. the "natural " disaster only blew away the cover of this sickness and exposed our society for what it truly is - lazy and unable to function with out help from our government. don't get me wrong, i love this country and i feel bad for the absolute loss of everything from this storm, but how does this storm give anyone the right to steal, murder, rape and rebel from society and complain that they were not given a free hand out? maybe the one's who lost their battle with katrina are somehow better off because they do not have to see how utterly disgusting we as human beings (i use this term reluctantly) can be. i am trying to look for the good people who have risen to the occation and helped their fellow man, so maybe they can overshadow the sick and lazy.

a way of life...

i think this is the new way of life for americans. the sad thing is that i can remember when gasoline was under $1.00! never again!!!

until we stop consuming (buying) it, gas will never go down. why would it? americans have always been spoiled in regards to gas. other countries have always paid more for fuel than we have. not that it makes 3 bucks a gallon any easier to swollow. i hear vespa get good mileage!

the end seems near...

is it just me or has anyone else been watching the news lately? in the book of revelation we are warned to be aware of signs of the second coming. it warns of wars (iraq) rumors of wars (iran, isreal/palestine and islamic rhetoric about killing all infedels). it also warns of many unusual natual disasters (earthquakes in japan and elsewhere, hurricanes and floods, tital waves and volcanic action). i am not trying to claim that i am some sort of prognosticator or anything, nor am i trying to scare anyone, but it is something to think about. our would seems to have degraded so far, so quickly that it is really scarry.

i know if Jesus came today, i would not miss any of this world!

question the answer...

i have been in a funk of funks lately. i am almost so used to it that it has become the norm and i almost feel comfortable in it. sad!

i have been reading several blogs from my friends and the subject of God comes up often: existence, expectations, reality, promises and more. the points are so valid - are we still created in His image; why do we not give everything away and simply follow Jesus; how are we to believe in the whole story of "God".

seems to me that being a Christ follower is full of as many questions as there are answers. and some answers require us to ask why did i ask that question anyway because that is not the answer that i wanted to hear. i guess it simply adds to the complexity that makes us different from every other creature on this planet.

"... show me how it ends,it's alright.
show me how defenceless you really are
satisfy an empty inside, well that's alright,
let's give this another try..."

breaking benjamin - we are not alone

pages...

the pages were scattered all about the desk. a giant troubled mess with no end in site. pages of every thought and every mental note ever given. pages of all his hopes and dreams. pages of all he is.

he searches desperately for a box of file folder, but has no success. he seaches madly for a filing cabinet, but no such item can he see. a trash bin is nearby, but then all would be lost; over without a fight.

if only he could re-file his pages. organize. compartmentalize. rationalize. revitalize. he might find his will to continue.

always changing...

i wish that i could hold on to a great many things. my wife, my kids, my health, my friends, my sanity! i don't spend as much time - quality time - with my wife and kids. i don't take care of myself the way i should - i eat poorly, don't exercise enough. my friends, most of them from church have left to try something else in life. my sanity.... gone.

i am tired of change. i had some good friends tell me that they were going to go to another church. i wasn't really shocked. i think for them it has been coming for a long time. i am going to miss seeing them on sunday mornings, but i will just have to see them on sunday afternoons. i have to admit that i am not overly thrilled with church right now. i don't know if it is in my crazy head or simply that i am not interested in seeking Him there anymore. so many changes have taken place for me to deal with. it is hard. i need to see more done with the older kids groups. my youngest daughter was so excited to go to her group and then found out there was no group, she had to go to "big church". she cried! now i know that she is often over sensitive to many things, but she should be taught at her level and have a place to go and feel comfortable. i don't know the solution, but i hope that it comes soon. "why don't you lead them".. i can hear this and my response would be that i can't stand kids... i have a hard enough time with my own and i can yell and beat them if i need to (hypothetically). we'll see.

"sorry mate, you're just not right for our band.... inxs"

what to say...

what to write
something untrite
maybe witty and smart
or something simply from the heart

what to say
about my day
maybe with some zeal
or just talk about how i really feel

what to do
find something new
something to catch your eye
maybe a thougt to make you cry

what to think
maybe i should drink
that might find some words
or it could cause me to spout out turds

i couldn't pass up this photo. i parked in front of this tree when i was on a sales call. and they say trees aren't sexy! 

doing the right thing...

i should be on my vacation right now. i am sure that i would have looked lincoln square in the eye by now on mt. rushmore and i would have seen that crazy devil's tower mountain (the one in close encounters of the 3rd kind - maybe only us older people know it) anyway i am not in south dakota - i am in california. i decided (with my riding mates) not to go on our trip to sturgis this year because a friend of ours, the president of our motorcycle group, was diagnosed with cancer. turns out to be leukemia so he is having massive chemo as we speak. we ride in the CMA which is the christian motorcyclist association. he is the president of our chapter, new hope riders, and i am the vice president. so, making a long story short, i am now the president. i never really wanted to be the president, but i guess i am stuck now so i better do a good job. i do want to finish my freinds year and do it right for him, so i will do my best. anyway we stayed home from our trip so we can get our chapter organized to raise funds and take care of his family as best we can. we might take a trip to san francisco to the hospital, but i don't think he can have visitors yet, due to his low white count after chemo. maybe we will just rev our motors outside his window. i really hate cancer!

i have had to carry so much shit lately that i can hardly breath, much less feel as if i have a life. i am so ready to win the lottery so i can just stop and get off the spinning wheel. i guess i should play the lotto if i expect to win. i have lost touch with everything in my existence (not life - existence). i really need to have more God and so much less me. i think that would start the process of lifting my burdens and strengthening me to be the man i want to be. i am so weak and such a sucky christian and such a shit as a human being at this moment that i can hardly stand myself. i will have my 7 yr anniversary on the 8th and i am wondering how my wife has put up with me for this long? she is a saint and the best damn woman a man could ever ask for. (and yes i do tell her) but i also am the worst to her and have too short of a fuse with the person who is the best to me. again, i suck!

i had a friend say he was living with God in one room and himself in another, which i found so true. but he also said that his christian life was like a rose bush. the flowers come and go (spirituality) but the roots to the bush were strong and would continue to grow (faith). i really like that analogy so much. it has really kept me going as i struggle to understand the why's of this life and the questions i have about life. (thanks mw) maybe i should go and open the door to the guest bedroom. it is time i visited with my company and welcome Him to roam the house with me.

old school...

i have been working in idaho for a few days now. "yeah so what?" well, i spent 3 years living in boise going to jr high scool (7-9th grade). i don't really think about these years all that much. i guess i have many new things in life to think about or ponder. well, i had a little time to kill, so i drove past my old jr high school - south jr. high, home of the bobcats - and i can't believe the flood of memories that came rushing through my head... my first french kiss, my first girlfriend, snow skiing, four square kick-ball, soccer, wrestling, track, football, my first time drunk and my first time puking from 1st drunk and first hangover, locker rooms, woods class, dirtbikes, sex pistols, the clash and others. i learned to drive a car here. i remember my mom pulling me from football practice to tell me my great grandfather had died and we had to go to california.

it is amazing the amount of things we can retain in our heads and recalling them so vividly with the slightest of effort. i am not sure that i want to drive by anywhere else.

this just about says it all! 

silent scream...

as i lay in languid state
spent of all that i am.
i wander through time
as if i could be anywhere.
i arrive to a place less confused
to a time that has been forgotten.
perplexed am i at life.
so much to account for
yet so little for worth.
have i wasted my time?
i am dying inside!
i am screaming to find some peace!

a tired road...

i have not been her for such a long time.
no lame excuses, just tired.
not much to say that anyone wants to know.
nothing to share that i've admired.
i have lost my ability to think or reason
i've coded, i'm flat line.
i haven't the time to even steal a thought
or create one of mine.
i think i am the only one who reads this
so who really gives a shit
if i can't say someting clever
or get my brain lit.

spit into the wind...

do you think that if you were to drive your motorcycle the same exact speed and same exact direction as the wind, you would here any wind noise? would the wind be silent at that moment? what if you were to spit into a wind that was the same strength or pressure that you use to spit, would it even come out of your mouth?

i have not even been drinking... promise!

tomorrow i have a daughter who will graduate from high school. i feel really old and am finding it so hard to fathom this is going to occur. i remember when i graduated high school like it was yesterday. scarry!

i am very proud of her for finishing and doing well. in fact i am proud of both of my kids. they are really good girls.

i better sleep now.

the wind in the trees

a step back in time
a place unrecognized
a memory faded
but a fresh wound

so long ago it seems
as I walk the lane
the wind in the trees
the only thing unchanged

i grew here some time ago
i joined as one here
and left here alone
a lifetime past

i returned to this place
all is new and different
yet the memories have stayed
a painful past that is part of me

spinning...

are you coming home soon?
you've been gone so long.
hey it's you
what are you doing here?
oh, of course, you live here
how long will you stay
leaving tomorrow
did you set the alarm?
have a nice trip
be safe, love you, bye.

mouse ears...

greetings from orlando, fl. home of mickey mouse east (disney world). i can't stand anything disney! you think that it is supposed to be "the happiest place on earth", well yeah, for the disney share holders! what a rip off. i never knew that being happy was so costly. i had to pay $2.65 for a soda! and this isn't even in the park... i am in a hotel across the street from downtown disney. aahhhh.

anyway, i am looking forward to coming home and working on my back yard (will it ever end?) i sure will be glad when it looks good for graduation.

i think some adult beverages are calling my name. huh? one second, i'll be right there....

36 steps...

one week ago today i set out on an adventure that i will most certainly never forget. i helped my friends rockstar and poet move to the desert! now that in itself does not sound like much of an adventure, but the story is good and it's worth the price of admission.

i was not part of the "loading" party, which i must admit, doesn't bother me. i wasn't even going to be a part of the "moving" team either, but i thought (and was right) that they lacked sufficient help for the job ahead. so i got on line and booked a ticket to fly back from chandler, az. (the desert) with "mr. green" (i call him this because he has decided that saving the environment is his newest calling; by changing all bulbs with florescent bulbs and owning one of those hi-brid cars, but he doesn't yet recycle - go figure). anyway, i get a ticket for the same plane home that green is on. all is ok at this point. we were scheduled to leave mr. greens house around 8pm to make the drive less stressful on the poet's children (theoretically, they would sleep - nice thought, but restless) and less traffic. so the poet heads out before us to collect her thoughts (it is very sad to leave your known life behind to start a fresh one) and rockstar, mr. green and i load our butts into the big ass moving truck to start our trip. motor starts, stereo works, lights wo... what the hell, we do not have any low beam head lights. we start taking the truck apart to find a fuse or a relay or something that will fix our problem. we even started reading the truck manual. talk about useless! 1/3 of the entire manual was dedicated to how to operate the frickin radio!! we finally called the support services and they sent out a man to fix it. two burned out bulbs! not one, but two. i have never seen that happen in all my life. needless to say it is now 11:45pm and we are just starting our 12 hour drive to the desert.
rockstar drove for about 2 1/2 hours to mojave where we picked up fuel and i thought i should drive so rockstar could rest. we made it to victorville about 4 in the morning, thinking that poet was there waiting for us. come to find out that she was over an hour behind us in landcaster catching a couple hours of sleep at the tuxman's house. so with her behind us and exhaustion setting in, we decide to sleep for a while in victorville. mr. green climbed into the back seat of the car we were towing and was out as if he had gone 10 rounds with ali. rockstar fought sleeping for about 20 minutes, probably worried about the rest of his crew now behind us, but finally crashed. i couldn't sleep from simple paranoia (freak) and sleeping unprotected in a parking lot of a town i don't know. i think i managed to sleep for a half hour. (that is 30 minutes in almost 24 hours since i woke up last). we head out again around 5 am and find that poet is now 15 minutes ahead of us and is not sure where she should go and which freeways to take (come on so cal only has 80 thousand different freeways, how could you get lost in trying to pick the right one at 6am with little sleep). so we drive and we drive and we drive. i think i drove the remaining 7 hours from victorville to the desert (i drove a big truck for a living. so i was used to it). we finally pulled into the desert town around 11:30am on tues. i should have given poet a better map, because she went the wrong direction off the freeway, but she was able to locate a wonderful indian reservation. i forgot to ask if it had a casino.
so we pull up to the apartment complex were my friends are going to stay (for less than a year) and find that it is on the 3rd floor. this might not be so bad for someone 20, but 40 is a coronary just waiting to happen. so we get started moving the stuff from the truck to the palace on high... 36 steps to the top (i know this because i like to count things). poet hurried off to get the group some much needed food, since all we ate since dinner was an egg sandwich from a gas station (mr. green) and some glazed donut holes called "popem's". they make great floating spheres of dough at 60 miles an hour before they come back and hit our windshield (insert giddy laugher from tired people). anyway, we continue to move and move and climb stairs and so on and so on.... finally the truck is empty! i can't remember being so happy to see an empty truck! it was about 5:30 or so and we were all exhausted! even the kids, who by the way were very big helpers and did a great job.
so we sit down for a few minutes to rest our worn out bodies and just laugh about what a day it has been so far. mr. green decides to take a shower and get cleaned up for our flight home, so rockstar and i go fill the truck up with fuel and take it back to the rental place. the rental place could not have been any farther away from the palace. of course the rental place is closed, so rockstar fills out the return paperwork and we throw it and the keys in the door slot. cool we are finished!!!! my phone rings and it is green asking if we have seen his wallet? "did you check the overhead bins for stuff?" i thought that rockstar did it earlier, because he handed us stuff that was up there. well anyway, we had not checked up there before we turned in the keys. i told green that they would just have to mail it to him back home and he reminded me that we had to catch a flight home in 2 hours! i need my id duh... i was tired! so we call the rental company to see if they can call the owner of the rental yard to let us in to get the keys. "no way" we have no way of contacting them. ok! green gets on the phone with roadside ass-istance and they will come out for $105.00!!! i flipped a gasket because i hate it when others rip people off. we go to the rental yard to wait for the rip off artist. i had grabbed a wire hanger from the palace and thought that i could just snag the keys through the slot, but when we got there you would think that they minted gold inside from all the cameras they had going. screwed again. so i got on my phone and called 411 for non-emergency chandler police. i get a man and give him the story... we locked the wallet inside, need to catch an airplane, can see the keys, have a hanger, please sent a cop to witness my thievery. not 3 minutes later a cop shows up, takes our names, id and the like and says go for it! i stick the hanger in, make one minor adjustment and boom we have keys!!! the cop opens the door and looks around, then begins to chuckle, "did you have a walkie-talkie? some glasses and yes a wallet." we would have left our heads in there if given enough time. so now we have mr. green's wallet and glasses and we have M's walkie-talkie (a very important tool to a man in training).

rockstar dropped us off at the airport in just enough time to grab a bite (pizza was the only thing left) and a couple of water's with barley and hops. at this point they were simply sleep aids for our flight back home.

what did i tell you? an adventure huh? i am so glad i was able to be a part of this. mr. green and i will always have this memory to share and laugh at when we often think about our friends in the desert and when we see rockstar and poet again, we will have to laugh together first... because they have to move out in 8 months!

36 steps!


p.s. a funny thing as we were driving down caldwell on our way out. rockstar got a good whiff of dairy and said " i sure won't miss that". well as he was driving us to the airport in the desert, what did we drive by.... yep, love that dairy air!

more changes...

i finally made it home last night (just for the night, i am on the road again tonight) after 15 days away from home. it was so good to see my wife, kids and my house again, i can't tell you. but as usual, i returned home to "changed" things. my bedroom was changed around and we have new sheets and pillow cases and spread and pillows and ...... i like it, but it freaked me out to have so much change all at once. we are also the proud owner of a very over priced "coffee" maker and i don't drink coffee! new plants for the back yard! crazyness!

really the stuff isn't bothering me as much as knowing some more of my good friends are leaving me. it is such a hard thing for me to accept and deal with the "loss". i sometimes wish i didn't make friends, because then i wouldn't have to be sad when they left me. i am happy for the rockstar and poet, it will be a great blessing for them, but a great loss for me. i guess i will have to drive to arizona (do they have sierra nevada there?) and see my friends. maybe we will have to rent a bus and go down there and break in their neighbors as to how us "hicks" celebrate life. anyway, that is what is really bugging me. i do not really want to see them off. i am not sure i am ready for the emotions. maybe i can call in sick to their send-off. yeah, that's it, i got the flu! who am i kidding, i have to go and wish them well.

who the hell is next.... r.h.?

a lovely mess...

from outside the view is well
and all seems fine
yet all has turned to hell
in this fucking life of mine

i wonder is it the day
or just a state of mind
looking for the pay
or something i can't find

a mess i will admit
a depth i would not share
a moment to commit
to this tired nightmare

so full of rage
an anger uncontrolled
release me from this cage
it's dark lonely and cold

where does this hide
in the dark recess of my mind
a path i need not to abide
if the less traveled path i could find

i hate inside my head
the empty space i call me
i am not yet dead
but sometimes wish to be

gone too long...

i am getting so tired of the travel. i am tired of hotels, airplanes, rental cars and slacks. i am tired of missing my wife and my kids and my friends. i am tired of missing a life... a normal life. i was talking to my parents (while i am here i should probably talk to them) anyway, the topic of my job came up and my mom said "you really hate your job, don't you?" i said that i didn't really hate it, but that i hated being away from home so often and missing so much of my life with my family. my dad made a comment that i would not have the "lifestyle" or any of the nice things that i have if i didn't do what i am doing. you must understand, this is how my dad thinks and how he operates - not bad, not good - he is simply a provider. now i agree that much of my lifestyle has been afforded due to my job, but not all (my wife helps tremendously!). this to me poses a much bigger question in my mind and that is; what price do we accept for success? what cost do we deem acceptable to maintain a certain "lifestyle"? is all this really worth spending days away from my wife, sleeping alone in a crummy hotel in podunk nowhere? is it worth missing my children's events and miss seeing them learn their way thru life? is it worth not having some structure in my life so that i can do more of the things that i enjoy - music, friends, motorcycles... life? i should be, and i am grateful that i have a job and a good job at that, but it is starting to wear thin on me. i don't feel that anyone really understands how i feel or what the big deal is. i mean i take off when ever i want (i have taken entire weeks off, without vacation) but i get reprimanded and questioned why i did not work, which makes me feel guilty, but neglecting my home life (wife, kids, house, church and friends) also makes me feel guilty. it really is a catch 22. sucks either way.

i will continue on so that i may provide for my family and provide for our "lifestyle", because that is what men do and that is what i am programmed to do - provide for my family. i guess the costs to me really when you look it like that - to provide - are not that important. besides, i am not sure that i am really missed when i am gone. it is sort of a reprieve from the tyrant that is me. and most of the time i muck up the system that the girls have going without me. i should just shut my pie hole and get to work!

crazy mormons...

this has to be the weirdest place on earth. the mormons have such control of everything. i still hate this state. the oddity of this place is there are hot women everywhere. i mean there are good looking women in others places, but there are an extraordinary amount here. it sort of reminds me of stepford wives. too perfect, you know. it is probably written in their book of mormom to create hot women, that can pop out 6 to 18 kids each! weird!

i can't wait to get home to my own hot wife! i only have to wait 13 more days.

the journey begins...

well i made it to las vegas to begin my 19 day adventure away from home. i leave for salt lake city tomorrow morning. i really hate the state of utah, but i must go and try to steal some business from the mormon competitor in slc. it is almost pointless, but i will give it a try. i will be there for a week and then fly back to vegas. the only saving grace is i will visit my parents while i am in vegas, but that can also be a pain... too much of one's parents can drive one nuts!!! i would rather be snuggled up next to my wife (no offence mom) and listening to my kids be crazy.

i received a "shout out" in church today. not that it was a good thing - more like a call for me to call on my community of friends, or something to that effect. i have a bad habit of not asking for help, as most of you who read this stupid blog, can agree to. i know it is sort of dumb, but i am very aware of others time and my lack of preparedness. i am sorry that i do not call on my friends... but i will call you to come over and visit and eat and laugh and swill beer and laugh and fellowship and enjoy each other and laugh at me for being so damn stubborn and maybe laugh some more. i really am thankful to everyone who has made an offer of help and those who have managed to actually help me do some of the dumb stuff i do. i wish i didn't care about what it looked like or how it was done because i would just pay someone else to do all the work so we could sit around and enjoy them doing the work while we laugh at how lazy i am!

anyway, i better go for now, gotta pack a bag and get ready for my flight. take care and i'll see you in almost a month.

rocks and telephones...

i have been working on my back yard for the majority of a week now. i am tired! i have moved 6 yards of rocks with one wheel barrow and one shovel, one load at a time. i would have asked for help, but as usual, i was unprepared for the task before me. i bought the rocks in hope that it would motivate me to do some work in the yard, not realizing that i was totally not ready to put rocks in the yard. hello, dumbass, be better prepared! anyway, i have moved the rocks, put in drains (pipe around my patio) added drip irrigation and ran wire for yard lighting. i have even found time to plant some plants (this is my wife's department, but she had to take a trip, so i thought i would help out) and a couple of trees. i am looking forward to the day i can just look out there and do nothing, but enjoy it. i want my friends to come over and enjoy it too.

my buddy, d. giles, my handy sbc service expert came and fixed my phone today as well. it was nice to have the company, even if it was only for a few minutes. it is funny how lonely i get when my family is away. i know i travel most of the time and i am without family, but when i am home they should be here... it is just the way it is. anyway, it is good to have the phone working again, so i can receive my useless telemarketing calls and calls from 12 year old girls asking "is caitlyn there?". i really don't think we need a house phone (i sure didn't miss it for the 3 days it was out), but if i didn't have it, my buddy might not be able to have a job fixing that which breaks in the phone system. besides, i think his tools are pretty cool and i enjoy seeing him walk around his van to pick up those damn orange cones.

with all this excitement, how could anything top this...well, i have discovered mike's hard lemonade (thanks again giles) and the thrill of drinking an ice cold one while taking a shower after a long day in the yard moving rocks! ahhhhhhhhh........

this is for the queen mother who didn't believe that i would let go of the handle bars in the air. i did a couple "no handers", but my photographer (deb) didn't get them and ran out of film. 

the blaster! 

no, i did not fall over! 

great fun...

i had the best day ever since we moved into my new house. we had our first "gathering" of friends over and it was awesome. even though we are not finished with the back yard or even the house it didn't matter because we all had a good time. well at least i did, and i didn't even get a shower! (i did yard work all day and didn't watch the clock to stop in time to clean up - nasty, sorry) i have had people over for thanksgiving, but that was family and that is a little different from friends. i am looking forward to doing it again and having more friends over... i have a lot of door to door steaks to cook!

happy easter

i hope that your easter is blessed and joyful. remember that Jesus is very much alive and well and loving on us. why He is loving us is still a huge mystery to me. i will accept His love regardless.

i did have a little bit of a sad thing happen. i received an easter card from my grandma and she didn't sign or date it or anything. she is really getting old and i am so not ready for that. she has always been in my life and she has always been sharp as a tack. she forgets many things now and we think she really should stop driving, but no one wants to say anything. i love my grandma very much.

again, have a great easter, remember Jesus and soak up His life.

when can i come home...

i am in salt lake city utah. it sucks. the weather is sucky and i don't really care for the people. i assume they are all mormon and thus instantly can't stand them for their brainwashing skills. i know that is not true and i shouldn't think like that, but it is odd here. it always feels like there is a whole secret underground world here. if you aren't a mormon, you never know what is going on and you are an "outsider". i hate it here.

i really just want to come home. i am so sick of hotels, airports and bad food. i miss my wife and my kids. sometimes, and only for a millisecond, i even miss my dogs. i miss being at home every night. i miss being able to have a life away from work. i quit the worship band at church because i just do not have the time to be at practice and that is not fair to the others. i neglect things at my house because i haven't the time to start and finish the job. i neglect my family because they consume time, of which i have very little because i am away from home so often. i really suck as a person right now. sometimes i get so mad that i have built a life style that requires me to keep this job, because it pays well. i know i am not alone in feeling this way. many people get into the same situation. and i am sure if i didn't have a good job that paid well, i would be complaining that i have nothing.

i need to be smacked!

the naked chef... see life can be fun remember? 

dad, you suck...

some jerk boys threw a pot into my daughter's car window, completely destroying the driver side window. now this would be enough to make me a little irate, but to make matters worse, she was someplace that she probably should not have been. she decided that she would drive her friends to a party, which i am proud that she did not drink and drive nor let her friends drink and drive, but she went to this party without letting us know. the party is not a no-no in our house, i mean hey who doesn't enjoy having fun, but going to a party without letting us know where she is at is a huge no-no! how can i protect my eldest if i know not where she is. life is so full of craziness, i am clinging to the last few years of being able to sort of keep a wing over her and keep her from as much harm and hurt as i can. i know that i can't always do this, nor do i think that i should. it is good for her to "step in front of the bus" and get hurt once in a while, because this is how we learn as human beings, but i still want to know when the bus is going to hit her.

deb an i had to have one of those suck-ass parent to child discussions. i know i hated those from my parents and i am sure that she hates getting them from us... probably as much as we hate to give them. she is a typical 17 year old teenager... "life sucks and i am so confused". why is the chemical imbalance so horrid for a teenager? isn't it bad enough that you have about 80 million decisions to make on an hourly basis (of which you have no experience in making most of these decisions, other than if you want fries with that order) but your hormones are ragin! it is so hard to know what to say to make things clearer or easier. but then again, i think that is the way it is supposed to be, so she learns her own mechanism of how to deal with "life".

things have been a little shaky with her dude lately, so i gave him the parent talk too. i figured what the hell i have already shot my chance at parent of the week, why not try to eliminate me from the running for a year or more. i basically told him to be more respectful and thoughtful and more open with my child or i would bash his head in with a mallet. ok not really, i said i would use a hammer not a mallet. i think he got the idea, i hope that they will learn from this relationship and take away some better filtering skills and the ability to communicate with others of the opposite sex, of whom they probably want to have sex with, which complicates the whole thing even more.

i am so glad to be almost 40! no crazy hormones or dilemma regarding why life is so hard. at this age i have come to the conclusion that life is what you make it and all the hard times are counter balanced by the wonderful times and that sex once a month is ok and that hot, young 20 year old girl does not "want" your fat old ass. it is also good to know that i can make most decision based on experience and logic (found from many head bashing moments) and i really only have to worry about whether i want fries with that order. it is good to be me today, but i am sure if you ask my daughter she would say i sucked!

too much to do...

i spent most of the whole day with my wife. there is nothing wrong with my wife or spending the day with her for that fact, but i never get anything done when we hang out together. as a matter of fact, we went to lowes and picked up more projects for me to do. sometimes it feels as if i will never get all of my projects completed. oh well, i am blessed to have this house and blessed to have so many projects to be able to do.

i am looking forward to having my house more complete so i can enjoy the few days a month that i am home. it will be so nice to have friends over and enjoy the pool and bbq and just relax and "be"!

day to day...

i have been in a funk. that does not mean i have been listening to tower of power or rick james. i have been in a foul mood and i have not really cared about anything for a while now. i realize that this is not the way of a supposed christian man, but it has been really hard and i have been carrying it alone. i had dinner with my aunt and uncle (my step mom's sister and husband, but family none that less) and they are very devout christian people. i like their view about it too - they have a relationship with God through Jesus and they frown on "religion" (i.e. doing it just because that is what we have always done; if you don't go to the church you must not be a christian...) my uncle gets visions, no make that, he has conversations with God. now i know you might say "right, God talks to him", but i believe him. he is a very humble man and does not boast or accend to be better than anyone. he loves God and he trusts God. there have been many time that his "talks" have come to pass in our family. this gift was given to him about 8 years ago and he has been a faithful servant of this gift ever since. anyway, we had a great dinner (we didn't worship any cow - we ate that sucker!) and we had a very good talk about God, life and spirituality. i must say that i am encouraged to remove my self from my funk, but only with God's help and guidance. i have carried myself for too long and it is time to ride in the passenger seat and let a better driver drive. i know that i will fall on my face, but i am still going to do my best and be the Godly man that i am asked to be. i hope that i will not fail Him too badly. i know that He loves me and will always be there for me and will carry me when i am unable to carry myself.

i hope that one day my uncle will get a message that i am pleasing to God and that He is proud of me.

re-living the past...

UNTITLED 8/96

as i breathe in air i live
as i breathe in air i die
so much in life to choose
yet so little are the victories
i try to figure the way
as i travel the twisted path
i am mired in the blackness that has been offered
i touched the sky once only to fall
the end could come so quickly
as the path winds tightly around my neck
holding me hostage to what i despise
i try to feel my heart
but i feel only the pain inside
i am sick with hurt and i am lost
i hate to love you
you loved me because i was there
now i am not and you are not

void

standing in the ally
staring at the car lights
feeling the rain upon my head
i could no longer touch my heart
i wanted to reach out to you
i felt only the cold rain
the loneliness i felt is beyond expression
i saw the rain reflect the light
reminding me of the glimmer in your eyes
thinking back into the past
when i didn’t feel so empty
so lost
so alone
so unloved

the ultimate bathroom...

as most of you know, i am not super fond of germs, especially germs from strangers. i am seeing a really cool trend happening in some more advanced and civilized public restrooms - motion sensors! motion sensors must be the single greatest thing to happen to the public restroom since the introduction of indoor plumbing and the flush toilet.

... (dreamy background music) as i walk to the doorway of the restroom, it automatically opens with a gentle wisp of wind that somehow seems to refresh the stale air that one might smell in the typical restroom. as i make my way to the urinal, i notice that the little box on top starts to flash at me. i turn to head for the wash basin and in that instant, the urinal flushes and i have yet to touch anything! now i reach the basin and reach under the automatic soap dispenser and get a healthy dose of germ killing hand soap. as i move my hands under the water spigot, out comes the warm/hot water. after my hands are squeaky clean i wave my hand across the motion sensor that dispenses crisp clean paper towels and as i complete my drying i reach to throw away the towel and automatically the waste receptacle opens to receive my used towel. now i turn to leave and the door again opens to release me to the germs of the world...

what a dream!

too much beer...

i have had too mux=ch n-=beer. whoopes! i meAN too much beer. i am not sure why i drank too much, but i am really glad i did not drive. applebee's is right behind my hotel. i am tired of being on the road. i wish i could be home, mad at what ever my wife and kids where doing to piss me off. but i am here on the road, in some stupid hotel, drinking too much at the applebee's restauant behind me.

i am such a loser!

what do you want to do...

what do you want to do when you grow up? it sounds really like a dumb question at this stage of my life... half over by most accounts. any how, i have a cousin who dropped out of college to go to film school. at first i thought this was really dumb and not very wise, but then i started to think about what he is really doing. he is following his dreams. he is risking failure to try and do what he wants to do. as i thought more about this idea, i realized that i know only a handful of people (maybe 3) who are actually doing anything close to what they wanted to do or thought that they would be doing when they were young.

are you doing what you wanted to do when you were young? are you working at a job because you have a passion and a love for it, or do you do it because it pays the bills. i was asked this question and i said i work to provide for my family not because i love it. i was then asked what would i love to do (even if it didn't pay) and i could not answer. i can't even remember having any dreams of what i wanted to be. i am not sure if this is because i was lazy and never wanted to do anything, or if it has been so long since i thought about "my dreams" that i can't recall them. i have thought about this question for several days now and still have no reply.

i think it is too late to make such a change that could jeopardize the well being of my family and turn my world on it's ear.

i think this is from christmas time 1981. if deb only knew what the hell she was getting into by saying yes to my asking her out! i think she is hot... still! 

mw says blog something...

ok mw. i will blog something. i don't have a lot to say, at least nothing exciting or even intelligent.

i was worried that the music would suck this morning, but it turned out pretty good... minor mishaps, but good sounds. the message was awesome. i really like how russ thinks and pushes us to think about what the heck we are doing with ourselves. i wish he was in a place were he could become the lead pastor, but i understand his position and respect him for putting "us" ahead of being "the man" for only a short time. dude you rock!

leaving for the hot and happening spokane washington today (mon). returning on sat. night. i am tired of traveling, but have no other choice at this stage of my life. i miss a lot of my life while i am on the road. at least i have a job and it takes good care of my family. that is more important than what i miss out on. besides if i were here everyday, my kids would freak and i would probably kill a couple dogs (yes i still have some issues with the damn dogs! - dumb and dumber!)

i don't know if i will have internet access this week so i may not post. besides if i can't be more creative, i should keep quite.

i know, i would like everyone who reads this to give me a comment. you don't have to say anything, just let me know you are reading this crap! thanks.

responsibility

i have been in so cal for the last couple of days and i happened to catch the news. a funeral for a 13 year old kid, shot to death by the l.a.p.d. he was shot after he attempted to back his stolen car into a cop car and hit the officer and all this after a car chase. now i am aware of some of the bonehead things that the cops down there have done, but i think i have to side with the cops on this one. at what point do the cops say enough is enough and at what point does this "grieving, finger pointing at the cops parent" take responsibility for the fact that her kid was nothing more than a thief who use an auto to potentially kill a police officer or even kill an innocent person in this car chase. am i wrong to not have any sadness for this boy or his family? should the cops just give up and let everyone do what ever the fuck they want so no one gets shot by accident and no one's "civil liberty's" are taken away? i am not saying that i am glad that this boy was killed, but if he had not put himself in the position to be killed by the police, he might be shootin' hoops right now.

why can't people take responsibility for their bad choices. why do they all have to claim that " i was denied this or denied that", " my rights were taken away" and "i've been wronged!". no one ever says "hey i screwed up and got what i deserved".

it is funny that none of them ever mention that they broke the law in the first place and that bad decision led to them being denied their "rights".


sometimes people really suck shit!!! and their stupidity and ignorance is unbelievable.



does anyone have an island for sale where i can make the rules and be king?

why change...

if you know me, you know that i can't deal with germs and i hate change. the really sad thing about both - there is not a damn thing i can do about either one. regardless of how much anti-bacterial hand sanitizer i use i am always touching something full of germs and filth. it is a dumb phobia i am aware, but it haunts me nonetheless. as for change. i get tired of it also. i think, mainly, i really have a hard time with change in the people i get to know and like. i started in at a new church almost 3 years ago. loved it and grew to love many people there, including all of the staff. one by one they will all leave (on to other things and other places, which sucks the most because they will not be close to hang out together) and our little unit, or family, will change. now i am not preaching that it will change for the worst or that it just will never be good. i know sometimes change is a good thing (as russ helped me to understand-thanks). i guess i am just sad to have to say good-bye to people that i have accepted as my family and friends. it sucks to say so long. and regardless of how much you say "hey we will always be friends and keep in touch", it so seldom happens. life over takes our time and absence steals away the close and connected relationship. when you see someone every week or several times in a week, you have a connection, a closeness. when you don't ever see them, you lose that. sure, you will most likely still be friends, but the dynamic changes and feelings wane.

my "rock star" is leaving me too. i am really going to miss him and his family very much. they are good people and it has been an honor to get to know them and share some time together. i will say that i am very proud of him for taking a leap of faith to regain his faith. i know he will be a shining light for his creator and a man who will change lives. you rock, dude!

i guess i better go for now and continue to feel sorry for myself, for my inability to cope with shifts in my fabric of time. what a weenie!

crazy from the heat

i must admit that my last post was not very nice. it was not the sentiments of a supposed christian person. the whole subject is a very difficult one for me to have compassion for, but i really should try. maybe i was crazed from seeing the sun for the first time in what seems to be many weeks.

i really need to seek God more often (always) and look deeper than just on the surface.

i am finally home for a couple days from sacramento. i really have a hard time going there. if you didn't know, i have a daughter from my previous marriage and she lives in roseville, which is a community in the greater sacramento area. she does not want to have anything to do with me and it is so difficult to be so close without being able to see her. i could go by, but the situation is so awkward and unpleasant that it is hardly worth the pain it causes all parties involved. it is very sad that someone (her mom) would work so hard at allowing my child not to see me. i guess i deserve this for my past failures as a parent. i am still waiting to be the perfect dad... not in this life. anyway, i am really glad to be home. it was really great to see my other children, who actually like to see me (so they tell me anyhow) and see my wife. in that respect, it is good to be me.

hunger strike

i heard about some inmates, in conn. i think, staging a hunger strike in prison because they did not like being locked up in solitary confinement for 23 hrs a day. now, let me make sure i have my fact straight - they are inmates in prison (i think death row) and they don't like being locked up. maybe they should have thought about that before they did whatever hideous crime they did to end up there. also, i know i am suppose to be compassionate and love them, but you know it is really hard and if they want to have a hunger strike, hey good news, we can save tax money on food and drinks, save tax dollars cleaning up after each meal and if we are lucky they would not eat long enough that we can save on court cost for all of their appeals and maybe even save some on execution costs. i am in strong support of those prisoners and there hunger strike - good for them, standing strong and thinking about saving us some money. i am not in support of changing the rules on confinement, so if they want to starve to death, ok. don't like how you are treated, shouldn't have chosen to be a criminal. there that is the key - choice! i am so sick of criminals having "rights" that i could choke someone.... but then i would be in solitary confinement starving to death.

drugs...

you know i could really fall in love with drugs. well, not illegal drugs, but i like vicodin. i had some surgery a few weeks back and they gave me 20 pills. i must admit that i like the euphoria that comes with pain medication. i like the feeling of a cool beer buzz also, but you can get so full. nothing filling about pills! i will be glad when the pills are gone... yes i will consume every last one of them (not all at once, mind you) and then i will have no more until the next time i fall apart and require surgery. i fell in love with viks in the 80's when i broke my leg. i used to eat them like candy... doctors really should do a better job of monitoring how many pill scripts they hand out. i guess the addiction to prescription meds is so well documented that most people are more aware of the problem and the effects it has on people.

while i am telling personals... i have to admit that i cannot stand michael jackson! he is such a freak and i think he is a perv as well. he is a very sick person. it is hard to take anything he does or says seriously... when you can hear his girlish voice. if he is found guilty, i hope he goes to prison for a long time. he needs to be off the street and kept away from boys... i am not sure his fellow inmates will take too kindly to his type though.

anyway, not much else going on here in sacramento. i have been looking for arnold, but have been unsuccessful in my search. i am sure he off fighting girlie men somewhere.

my grandma e-mailed me today. she is really feeling lonely now that pop is gone. she is toughing it out, but i am sure it is hard for her. they were married for over 50 years and he had been retired for the last 30 some odd years, so they did everything together. i hope that she will lean on us (her family) and not try to stand alone on this.

i gotta go do my drugs now.... oh, i don't have any beer to wash them down, so forget it! i will just go to bed and sleep.

alone

I walk tenderly over the jagged rocks
Knowing with every step I bleed
Hearing the voices ask may I guide you
But somehow wanting to struggle with the loss

Alone in my pain
No one worldly knowing my anguish
Or how I will get through this
As I meander beside their souls

The one I’ve chosen
Simply too lost to grab hold
Having no sense of my depth
Or how much I suffer

Alone in my pain
Seemingly alone in my world
Without the one to connect
If only the desire to know

I hide in my smile
To bind my sorrow somewhere unknown
The one I’ve chosen
Chooses not to dwell in the openness

Alone in my pain
I cry in the silence
Of my own existence
Without hope that anyone will hear

The stones dig deep
The blood runs vivid red
The voices to carry me diminish
As I no longer react with emotion

Alone in my pain
I bury all that holds me
And treats me kind
For all that is bitter

My hope lies not
In my chosen
For distant repetition
Is leading my jagged path

Alone in my pain
Alone to long for an end
Alone in understanding
Alone in being alone

when it rains...

it pours. it has been a while since i posted, so let's see what has gone on. i took a trip to north carolina, my grandpa died and i had my gall bladder removed. kind of a slow week huh? i had to go to north carolina for work and while i was there my grandpa died (on the 12th) so i proceeded to drink too much, thanks to the concern of my fellows work mates, who were worried about my spirits. they were right, i was bummed big time. if you have read any of my post you know that my grandpa (pop) had cancer, so it shouldn't come as any surprise that he passed away, but it still hurts. his fare well service was today in lake havasu, az were he lived and loved to fish. he was cremated and spread in the lake were he loved to hang out, so that was fitting. i asked my mom to bring me a small bottle of lake water so i can water my tree in my front yard and i will always think of pop when i look at it. why did i not go to the service - i had surgery 2 days ago to have my gall bladder removed. i had stones in it and didn't know it and i had an attack on monday night (tues morn 2:30am) and found myself in the hospital for 3 days. feeling somewhat human now, with the added four holes in my stomach. one good thing, i will probably weigh at least a quarter pound lighter! it has been a crazy few weeks. i hope for less drama in the coming weeks. maybe my ailment is timed just right to keep me from being overly sad at the loss of my grandfather. God always takes care of us, just not always how we think it should go down. time for a pain pill or two!

finally

i have some good news for a change. that dumb fucking dog that my wife got finally took a shit outside without me throwing her out the door!!!!!!!!!!! i know this because i watched her sniffing around the garage (the one of two places she lazily prefers to crap - the other is the house of course). she sniffed around, smelling the bleach water that i just got done spraying all over the floor of the garage (to hide the smell of her previous gazillion other piles of crap), and then she proceeded to go out the dog door and shit outside. it was a banner event in our house. i still can't stand the dog because she is really stupid, but it was a step in the right direction for a change.

i love you - goodbye

we met in the strangest of places
unknown people with unknown faces.
two people meeting maybe by chance
or maybe it was fate’s wicked dance.
you and i connecting as one
sensing something had just begun.
time passed, turning day into night
turning something strange into something so right.

i looked in your eyes, seeing so much more
sensing feelings i hadn’t often felt before.
your kiss so passionate, soft and true
how i melted making love with you.
touching your skin, feeling your life flow
holding you tight and never letting go.
holding your hand as you called out my name
knowing that tone; i too felt the same.

we met in the strangest of places
unknown people with unknown faces.
now we part having known each other
happy that it wasn’t another.
i love you, goodbye, is how it will end
someday soon my heart will mend.
i love you was always there in my head
only i love you are the words that i never said.

as good as it gets

i heard a story between a husband and wife. the man told his wife he couldn't wait until "things" calmed down and life settled down. her comment to him was "what if this is as calm as it is ever going to get?"

that is something to think about - what if this is as good as it is ever going to be. not that life is bad or anything like that, but life is so hectic and crazy on a day to day basis, that it is fair to think that it should "calm" down at some point and be "better".

we have been on this wheel for so long i am not sure we would know how to live any other way.