Movement

Movement

Monday, December 27, 2004

Christmas

Christmas this year was very different. good or bad i am not sure. maybe it would be from your perspective. i received a call on dec 19 from my mom letting me know that my grandpa rich (pop) has terminal liver cancer. he started with colon cancer and we thought he kicked it, but it has come back with a vengeance to kick his ass. the doctors tell him that he has 3 months or less to live. how do you "live" when you know you are not going to live. i mean we all are going to die (at least in this body) that is a given. unless you are ted williams and get yourself frozen, there is no way out of this place other than dying. anyway, i decided to go and spend Christmas with him, as did many members of my family. deb and the girls could not come with me, which sucks, but i admire and respect my wife for keeping to her responsibilities and not flaking at the last minute. i was not really prepared to take a trip over Christmas, so i quickly made arrangements. i was shocked at how bad my grandpa looked. he is already so yellow from jaundice. he is grumpy and irritable (who wouldn't be) and tired all the time. this brings me to my point. what is an appropriate prayer for him. do i want God to heal him, sure, but is that God's will? if he heals him now, will he not sooner or later suffer again from the body of this world breaking down? sometimes i question why God has made us the way He has. i understand the whole issue of free will and choice, but why do we have to suffer so much in our journey seeking God and His grace. i did not really pray for a miracle to transform my grandpa back to a model of wonderful heath, but that God's will for him will be done. if that means taking him home, so be it (another opportunity for me to accept f...ing change!) i asked that peace be granted to him and that God would pour, in dump truck size loads, His Spirit on him. i am really just so confused about how to deal with this. i know i do not want to question God and His plan for us or blame Him for bringing grief on my family, but sometimes it is hard. i know that i should use this to build my faith and my love for God. it is not easy, but i guess being faithful is not always meant to be an easy walk. i hope that if His will is to take my pop that He makes it as quick and painless as possible and i can take comfort in knowing that my pop has said the sinners prayer and his King has prepared a place for him in His kingdom. i have been reading the comments on spiltwine regarding faith vs, religion by people more enlightened than me and they pose some very interesting insights to faith and religion. i choose to accept my faith by whichever means it has come to me, just being thankful that i have it and continue to try and believe in it and grow it (my faith, not religion).

pop, i will miss you. i was robbed of my childhood with you in my life and have only known you 8 or 9 years, but i love you very much. i will always be glad we got to go fishing and we spent the small amount of time we did. i am proud to be your grandson and i will try very hard to share you to my kids and my grand kids. Gods peace to you.

fishing with pop Posted by Hello

Tuesday, December 21, 2004


my everything Posted by Hello

birthdays

why is it that birthdays always seem to suck? not the turning another year older, just the day in general? they always fall apart.


happy birthday, my love. you are as beautiful and lovely as the day i first met you 23 years ago!
i look foward to sharing many more birthdays, anniversaries and just plain old days with you. you keep me here and breathing. i love you and i will follow my heart forever.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

dogs

i now remember why i do not like puppies. now don't get me wrong i think they are cute and funny just like anyone else, but i hate the fact that they pee and shit on the floor. i don't quite see eye to eye with germs as it is, but to have urine on the rug is almost more than i can deal with.

my wife got a puppy while i was away on business. i told her i didn't really want another dog. to no surprise, my wife did not listen to me on this matter, as usual. if you know harlie, our dog now, you know she can be more than a pain in the ass, but also more than lovable. so my assumption was that we did not require a new puppy, but deb thought that harlie needed a friend. maybe so, but i think friends should tell friends how to crap outside! anyway we now have added lucy to our family and i am scrambling to find some disinfectant!

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

funerals

i will start this by saying again how much i hate change. so with that, i have just spent the better part of this day at a funeral. our friend's father passed away the day before thanksgiving. he had throat cancer, so it was not a total shock that he expired, but how quickly he passed was. now i realize that change, in this case death, is a certainty, but i still don't have to like it. i am always saddened at funerals, even if i know they are Christians. the finality of knowing you will not see that person in this life. it is amazing to me how many people one life touches. these people may have nothing in common other than the fact that they know you. if you have ever had thoughts of suicide, this does pass through your mind - would anyone really miss me? i am sure there are some people who pass away and no one misses them, but i think for most of us there are many people who would miss us in many different ways. i know i will miss my friends dad's gentle smile and mild demeanor. he touched many people.

i am at the age that people in my life, who have always been in my life, are going to start to pass away. you want to talk about screwing up someone who likes things to stay the same. i am sure that i will not handle death - family, friends or anyone for that matter - it just freaks me out! i have thought of death, my own, many times. my demise does not bother me, it's leaving me here to deal with someone else's death that bothers me. i guess i am just weak or an idiot for not having the ability to cope with "permanent change". maybe i am here so those of you who deal well with change have someone to compare yourselves against, a bench mark if you will. "i can cope with all things and you are just a sissy!" that is one way to feel better about one's self and if i wasn't here to be the sissy, someone might feel really low about themselves. it is sort of like being unattractive... if it wasn't for those of us unbeautiful people, you good looking people wouldn't know it, because you... i digress again.

we were talking about death, change and the like. does anyone know where their grandparents are buried? if you do do you go there? why do we bury people? so we can return to mourn the loss? does it give us some sort of connection to them, just a place to remember them? i am certain that i do not want a funeral. cremation would be ok. a dinner party with lots of food and some beer would be cool, but not a funeral. i do not want anyone to see me dead - it is not me! i laugh, i cry, i smile, i love, i ride motorcycles, i play music badly, i sing even worse, i say stupid things and i am just plain silly. that is what i want to be remembered for not a cold pale lifeless pile of shit in a fancy box. i would rather have someone say i was an ass, than say they remember what i looked like in my box.

i do not like change. that is something i must live with for it is always a guarantee - everything changes, everything dies and we can do nothing to change that.