The View of a Stranger

I saw him in his passing days,
a rather anguishing sight.
But in those waning hours,
I saw his mystic might.
Looking in his eyes so blue,
I saw his family and his wife.
His eyes so deeply drawn,
yet in them there was life.
Gleaming of days gone by,
remembering all that he had made.
I saw his family still,
in his eyes they had stayed.
So much this man had given,
to a world that never cared.
And, in those final hours,
so much he could have shared.
In his eyes, I saw his life,
and in his eyes I saw him cry.
He was not afraid of dying,
just the lingering thought of why.
I saw him bid farewell to life,
and all that he adored.
I looked into his eyes once more,
to know he was with the Lord.

family in the house

the house is finally clean,
i must admit
which was no simple task,
i sorta threw a fit

now your spilling food and other
on the floor
maybe you
should go next door

this disease, you know,
to see it clean
takes too much effort
to keep it's sheen

why did i want a house
filled with so many
because, i would be so lonely
without any

so for now i will look away
from the mess
i'll try to be concerned
just a little less

for i am happy my family shared
in my living
and came to my new house
for thanksgiving

giving thanks

well i made it through another thanksgiving. this one was even at my new house for the first time ever. i read a blog (just stacy) regarding why we celebrate thanksgiving... something about a group of people coming over and being bullies. true, whitey came over and as usual ruined it, but i try to look at thanksgiving as a day to be thankful for the freedom i have to celebrate a useless holiday and eat until i want to puke. i also try to think about being thankful for the opportunity to spend some time with my family and loved one's and eat until i want to puke. and mostly, i like to reflect and be thankful for the blessings that God has given me and the chance to eat until i want to puke. but if i do consider that whitey came over and destoyed a culture, it really makes me want to puke!

you know, i am really hungry again! have a great day.

turkey preparations

i don't really have anything profound to say, but simply... i am tired. our household is preparing to entertain 16 or so people for turkey day. not that too much has to be done, just the little things that one often puts off for another day. well another day is vastly approaching and i am scrambling to get the small stuff done. meghan has helped a whole bunch by cleaning and dusting the living room. she also has helped organize the dvd's and cd's. i cleaned the garage so we can walk through it... can you believe a three car garage that is so full i couldn't pass through it. very sad the amount of junk we have acquired over the years. i finally had to give in and i have started getting rid of things, which is a huge step for me. for some reason i become attached to what my wife affectionately refers to as junk! i think that somewhere, sometime and somehow i will be able to use it to fix something or make my life better in some small manner. it very rarely happens and i just run out of room. i feel a huge yard sale and the following trip to the good will coming on here shortly. although, i might need to save that.......

tomorrow will be a new day 

i did not really want to go to church today. deb was working and i was still unsettled with regards to my friend and pastor leaving. i also feel very far from God for some reason that i am unable to put my finger on. probably my rebellion and anger at life is causing me to stay away from Him, because i know He is not staying away from me. anyway, i went to church and was able to talk to tim about his plans and his reasons for making a change. i feel better, but i will still miss seeing him and listening to his ramblings. the sermon was good today... something to the effect of seeking for answers within one's self. at least that's what i walked away with, which is basically how i view things anyway. i have a fault of never asking for help with anything, which i get yelled at often by many people, but that is how i am. i digress. i was talking about tim leaving. i believe he is making a great decision and his family will be very happy... grand parents, siblings, cousins and the bengals!

tim if you read this, i want you to know that i have truly enjoyed getting to know you and your family. you always welcomed deb and me from the beginning (those crazy bikers in leather) and made us feel like one of the family. thank you. i will miss you and flora and your unique personalities (flora has germs on her forehead!) and i hope that one day i might purchase a painting for my home and know that a good friend painted it. best of luck and God's blessing on your life. thank you for sharing you.

i will be off to the bay area tomorrow for the better part of the week. i hope that i can get out of this funk and improve my attitude about life. i am so blessed, i should have a permanent smile on my face and a hop in my step, but i might not recognize that person in the mirror. oh well. i am bored with my own words now so i am going.

it has been some time. it seems that so much has changed in my life yet not much really has. i am still here on earth and still plugging away at life. i went to a surprise birthday party for my granny, who by the way turned 80. that is a long time to be hanging around. i am not sure if i will be here to see 80, nor am i sure that i want to. i think i would grow too weary of loss... friends dying, family dying, loss of body agility, loss of memory (of which is all you would have left of those who have died) and just simple change. i know as i grow older with my love, i grow more dependent of her presence in my life. even when we disagree (how is that possible - i am an ass!) anyway even when i am mad at her, i am so in love with her and miss the time when i am not mad at her. did that make any sense? even when i am mad, i can't wait to get back to not being mad because that is when i am at my best and most happiest. deb is really good for me. she grounds me and centers me and smacks me around when i need it (figuratively not physically). i was talking about what is new. we are getting a pool put in our back yard (better us putting in our back yard verses someone else's back yard - duh!) in any case, we are getting a pool. i am very excited, the family is very excited. the only draw back is i may have to sell my harley. i don't really want to, but when i weigh all the facts, it would be the most unselfish thing to do. now that deb is back at a hospital, she is on call a lot and is more obligated to her job than in the past when her and i rode the bike more often. so she doesn't get the enjoyment out of it that she once did (although, she is pretty adamant about not getting rid of it). the girls don't really get all that much pleasure from it either, so that only leaves me. i enjoy it, but it is me alone... not my whole family. the payment on the harley is the same as the pool. i don't know what to do for sure. i am looking forward to having my friends and family enjoy our pool and i am looking forward to having many bbq's in the back yard. i am sure my decision will be made clear to me when God's timing is right. He never makes a mistake about the path we should take, we simply don't always listen nor choose to adhere to what we hear (know) to be right. speaking of choices, my pastor has chosen to leave our church. i was at the 80th birthday party when he announced it, so i know very little first hand information. he is not going to another church, but going back to school to be an artist. i lack creativity, so i am baffled how someone would have a desire to go to school to be an artist, but i am sure that is why i am not artistic. tim (the pastor) is very talented. i have seen some of his paintings and they are very good. deb also said that his house is painted (decorated) really cool. i am happy that he will be able to work toward his dream. part of me (selfish side) is really mad at him for leaving, because i like him so much. he is really a neat pastor and a pretty cool dude. i guess it goes back to my earlier comment of my disdain for change. i hate when things change. but everything changes. i understand that he said he would only be a pastor at our church, so that is nice. i will miss him and his unique perspective on the world and God and how we all fit in the middle. i wish him and flora, his wife, well and God's blessings. i hope that God will place a new pastor that will not change the dynamic character of our church. i like the realness of the staff and the majority of the people there. it would be a loss for us to change. i better go for now.