what do you want to do...

what do you want to do when you grow up? it sounds really like a dumb question at this stage of my life... half over by most accounts. any how, i have a cousin who dropped out of college to go to film school. at first i thought this was really dumb and not very wise, but then i started to think about what he is really doing. he is following his dreams. he is risking failure to try and do what he wants to do. as i thought more about this idea, i realized that i know only a handful of people (maybe 3) who are actually doing anything close to what they wanted to do or thought that they would be doing when they were young.

are you doing what you wanted to do when you were young? are you working at a job because you have a passion and a love for it, or do you do it because it pays the bills. i was asked this question and i said i work to provide for my family not because i love it. i was then asked what would i love to do (even if it didn't pay) and i could not answer. i can't even remember having any dreams of what i wanted to be. i am not sure if this is because i was lazy and never wanted to do anything, or if it has been so long since i thought about "my dreams" that i can't recall them. i have thought about this question for several days now and still have no reply.

i think it is too late to make such a change that could jeopardize the well being of my family and turn my world on it's ear.

i think this is from christmas time 1981. if deb only knew what the hell she was getting into by saying yes to my asking her out! i think she is hot... still! 

mw says blog something...

ok mw. i will blog something. i don't have a lot to say, at least nothing exciting or even intelligent.

i was worried that the music would suck this morning, but it turned out pretty good... minor mishaps, but good sounds. the message was awesome. i really like how russ thinks and pushes us to think about what the heck we are doing with ourselves. i wish he was in a place were he could become the lead pastor, but i understand his position and respect him for putting "us" ahead of being "the man" for only a short time. dude you rock!

leaving for the hot and happening spokane washington today (mon). returning on sat. night. i am tired of traveling, but have no other choice at this stage of my life. i miss a lot of my life while i am on the road. at least i have a job and it takes good care of my family. that is more important than what i miss out on. besides if i were here everyday, my kids would freak and i would probably kill a couple dogs (yes i still have some issues with the damn dogs! - dumb and dumber!)

i don't know if i will have internet access this week so i may not post. besides if i can't be more creative, i should keep quite.

i know, i would like everyone who reads this to give me a comment. you don't have to say anything, just let me know you are reading this crap! thanks.

responsibility

i have been in so cal for the last couple of days and i happened to catch the news. a funeral for a 13 year old kid, shot to death by the l.a.p.d. he was shot after he attempted to back his stolen car into a cop car and hit the officer and all this after a car chase. now i am aware of some of the bonehead things that the cops down there have done, but i think i have to side with the cops on this one. at what point do the cops say enough is enough and at what point does this "grieving, finger pointing at the cops parent" take responsibility for the fact that her kid was nothing more than a thief who use an auto to potentially kill a police officer or even kill an innocent person in this car chase. am i wrong to not have any sadness for this boy or his family? should the cops just give up and let everyone do what ever the fuck they want so no one gets shot by accident and no one's "civil liberty's" are taken away? i am not saying that i am glad that this boy was killed, but if he had not put himself in the position to be killed by the police, he might be shootin' hoops right now.

why can't people take responsibility for their bad choices. why do they all have to claim that " i was denied this or denied that", " my rights were taken away" and "i've been wronged!". no one ever says "hey i screwed up and got what i deserved".

it is funny that none of them ever mention that they broke the law in the first place and that bad decision led to them being denied their "rights".


sometimes people really suck shit!!! and their stupidity and ignorance is unbelievable.



does anyone have an island for sale where i can make the rules and be king?

why change...

if you know me, you know that i can't deal with germs and i hate change. the really sad thing about both - there is not a damn thing i can do about either one. regardless of how much anti-bacterial hand sanitizer i use i am always touching something full of germs and filth. it is a dumb phobia i am aware, but it haunts me nonetheless. as for change. i get tired of it also. i think, mainly, i really have a hard time with change in the people i get to know and like. i started in at a new church almost 3 years ago. loved it and grew to love many people there, including all of the staff. one by one they will all leave (on to other things and other places, which sucks the most because they will not be close to hang out together) and our little unit, or family, will change. now i am not preaching that it will change for the worst or that it just will never be good. i know sometimes change is a good thing (as russ helped me to understand-thanks). i guess i am just sad to have to say good-bye to people that i have accepted as my family and friends. it sucks to say so long. and regardless of how much you say "hey we will always be friends and keep in touch", it so seldom happens. life over takes our time and absence steals away the close and connected relationship. when you see someone every week or several times in a week, you have a connection, a closeness. when you don't ever see them, you lose that. sure, you will most likely still be friends, but the dynamic changes and feelings wane.

my "rock star" is leaving me too. i am really going to miss him and his family very much. they are good people and it has been an honor to get to know them and share some time together. i will say that i am very proud of him for taking a leap of faith to regain his faith. i know he will be a shining light for his creator and a man who will change lives. you rock, dude!

i guess i better go for now and continue to feel sorry for myself, for my inability to cope with shifts in my fabric of time. what a weenie!

crazy from the heat

i must admit that my last post was not very nice. it was not the sentiments of a supposed christian person. the whole subject is a very difficult one for me to have compassion for, but i really should try. maybe i was crazed from seeing the sun for the first time in what seems to be many weeks.

i really need to seek God more often (always) and look deeper than just on the surface.

i am finally home for a couple days from sacramento. i really have a hard time going there. if you didn't know, i have a daughter from my previous marriage and she lives in roseville, which is a community in the greater sacramento area. she does not want to have anything to do with me and it is so difficult to be so close without being able to see her. i could go by, but the situation is so awkward and unpleasant that it is hardly worth the pain it causes all parties involved. it is very sad that someone (her mom) would work so hard at allowing my child not to see me. i guess i deserve this for my past failures as a parent. i am still waiting to be the perfect dad... not in this life. anyway, i am really glad to be home. it was really great to see my other children, who actually like to see me (so they tell me anyhow) and see my wife. in that respect, it is good to be me.

hunger strike

i heard about some inmates, in conn. i think, staging a hunger strike in prison because they did not like being locked up in solitary confinement for 23 hrs a day. now, let me make sure i have my fact straight - they are inmates in prison (i think death row) and they don't like being locked up. maybe they should have thought about that before they did whatever hideous crime they did to end up there. also, i know i am suppose to be compassionate and love them, but you know it is really hard and if they want to have a hunger strike, hey good news, we can save tax money on food and drinks, save tax dollars cleaning up after each meal and if we are lucky they would not eat long enough that we can save on court cost for all of their appeals and maybe even save some on execution costs. i am in strong support of those prisoners and there hunger strike - good for them, standing strong and thinking about saving us some money. i am not in support of changing the rules on confinement, so if they want to starve to death, ok. don't like how you are treated, shouldn't have chosen to be a criminal. there that is the key - choice! i am so sick of criminals having "rights" that i could choke someone.... but then i would be in solitary confinement starving to death.

drugs...

you know i could really fall in love with drugs. well, not illegal drugs, but i like vicodin. i had some surgery a few weeks back and they gave me 20 pills. i must admit that i like the euphoria that comes with pain medication. i like the feeling of a cool beer buzz also, but you can get so full. nothing filling about pills! i will be glad when the pills are gone... yes i will consume every last one of them (not all at once, mind you) and then i will have no more until the next time i fall apart and require surgery. i fell in love with viks in the 80's when i broke my leg. i used to eat them like candy... doctors really should do a better job of monitoring how many pill scripts they hand out. i guess the addiction to prescription meds is so well documented that most people are more aware of the problem and the effects it has on people.

while i am telling personals... i have to admit that i cannot stand michael jackson! he is such a freak and i think he is a perv as well. he is a very sick person. it is hard to take anything he does or says seriously... when you can hear his girlish voice. if he is found guilty, i hope he goes to prison for a long time. he needs to be off the street and kept away from boys... i am not sure his fellow inmates will take too kindly to his type though.

anyway, not much else going on here in sacramento. i have been looking for arnold, but have been unsuccessful in my search. i am sure he off fighting girlie men somewhere.

my grandma e-mailed me today. she is really feeling lonely now that pop is gone. she is toughing it out, but i am sure it is hard for her. they were married for over 50 years and he had been retired for the last 30 some odd years, so they did everything together. i hope that she will lean on us (her family) and not try to stand alone on this.

i gotta go do my drugs now.... oh, i don't have any beer to wash them down, so forget it! i will just go to bed and sleep.