where do i line up for one...

christmas downsizing...

Todays global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for
better, more competitive steps.

Effective immediately, the following
economy measures are to take place in the Twelve Days of Christmas subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be
the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging
plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not
cost-effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could
not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the
French.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system,
with a call waiting option. An analysis is under way to determine who
the birds have been calling, how often, and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other
precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks
appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per
goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese
will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel
will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a
good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times.
Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are in order.
The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and
therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being
sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no
upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try
a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be
phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords plus the expense
of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to
suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While
leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant
because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of
the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a
cutback on new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will
drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals
and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching
deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one
day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession(thirteen lawyers-a-suing),action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cut may be necessary
in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will
request management to scrutinise the Snow White Division to see if seven
dwarfs is the right number.

la, la, la la, la, la...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.

He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carol's."

i've fallen and i can't get up...

it has been two days since this country lost its sense and its ability to use rational judgment and i am scared. i already feel less safe from the terrorist world and i feel like i am being prepped for an anal probe (demonstrated here by ms. pelosi), just to see how many more tax dollars i can shit out to pay for a domestic agenda of welfare and meaningless handouts.

at least my state voted arnuld back in, which is surprising, since democrats seemed to have won so many other positions. but, i guess you can't really consider arnuld a true conservative anyway, so that fits with the stupidity of this state.

it will be interesting to see what happens and how we do as a society, pushing a useless domestic agenda, and having a "let's run and bury our heads in the sand and this will all go away" foreign policy.

W, get that damn VETO stamp warmed up!

Redneck Special Forces...

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces.

These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma , Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.

5. They are all gay.

6. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.


The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

too good to pass up...

--------retirement momentarily detoured














kerry eats ketchup again...

ok, now i'm out!

i'm outta here...

i am going to stop blogging for a while. i know, i do this all the time and then i come back, but this last short break must not have been long enough because i have nothing to say. nothing new, nothing creative, nothing my own... the tv has started to show color settings and playing the national anthem (those of you old enough, will understand this). i will leave you with some parting thoughts until i return again...

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia ." (Charles Schultz)

.....................

Free double-pane energy windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo, just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year,....namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! (I told him.) There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up....

He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument.


..................

Camels

The picture above was taken of camels in the desert.

It is considered one of the best pictures of the year (2005).

Look closely, the camels are the little white lines in the picture.

The black you see is just the shadows!

.....................

GO AND VOTE

make sure you go and vote! i'm not telling you who to vote for (republican) but you need to get out there and make your voice heard (republican) because if you do not... you have no right to complain (democrat)!

...................



HAPPY PUMPKIN DAY

how long do we have...

This is interesting for anyone....even a Democrat.

Read and Think....??

How Long Do We Have?

About the time our original thirteen states adopted their new constitution in 1787, Alexander Tyler, a Scottish history professor at the University of Edinburgh, had this to say about the fall of the Athenian Republic some 2,000 years earlier:

"A democracy is always temporary in nature; it simply cannot exist as a permanent form of government. A democracy will continue to exist up until the time that voters discover they can vote themselves generous gifts from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always vote for the candidates who promise the most benefits from the public treasury, with the result that every democracy will finally collapse due to loose fiscal policy, which is always followed by a dictatorship."

"The average age of the world's greatest civilizations from the beginning of history, has been about 200 years. During those 200 years, those nations always progressed through the following sequence:

1. From bondage to spiritual faith;
2. From spiritual faith to great courage;
3. From courage to liberty;
4. From liberty to abundance;
5. From abundance to complacency;
6. From complacency to apathy;
7. From apathy to dependence;
8. From dependence back into bondage"

Professor Joseph Olson of Hamline University School of Law in St. Paul, Minnesota, points out some interesting facts concerning the 2000 Presidential election:

Population of counties won by: Gore: 127 million; Bush: 143 million
Square miles of land won by: Gore: 580,000; Bush: 2,427,000
States won by: Gore: 19; Bush: 29
Murder rate per 100,000 residents in counties won by: Gore: 13.2; Bush: 2.1

Professor Olson adds: "In aggregate, the map of the territory Bush won was mostly the land owned by the taxpaying citizens of this great country. Gore's territory mostly encompassed those citizens living in government-owned tenements and living off various forms of government welfare..."

Olson believes the United States is now somewhere between the"complacency and apathy" phase of Professor Tyler's definition of democracy, with some forty percent of the nation's population already having reached the "governmental dependency" phase.

If Congress grants amnesty and citizenship to twenty million criminal invaders called illegals and they vote, then goodbye to the USA in fewer than five years.

always PC...

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, all Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore ..

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK". She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER". She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."


5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you- She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT"- He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER"- He is "OVERLY-CAUCASIAN." (love that one!!)

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"

shooting the bull...

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other.

He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United States Congress. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for the rest of the day."

why dogs bite...

new terms...

not that there's anything wrong with it...

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new rooster for his chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you can't handle ALL of these hens. Look at what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You're washed up and I'm taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. As they round the front porch of the farmhouse, the young rooster has closed the gap. He's only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer meanwhile, sitting in his usual spot on the front porch, sees the roosters running by.

He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn, that's the third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story? ... Don't mess with us OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

first kiss...

So, it's your first kiss and several questions might come to mind:

Is it the right time?

Is anyone watching?

Does your partner even want to?

Is your breath fresh?

And ... should you use some tongue?

Then you lean in and just go for it!!!

i wish...

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN, GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?

My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.

Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to all terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes Amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch you're precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2 Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of one another; you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put 'em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin’'."

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic. God bless America. Thank you and good night. If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

I remember...

I remember five years ago today. A memory that is still fresh, as if it were only yesterday.

Do you recall where you were? Do you remember what you were doing five years ago today?

Will any of us ever be able to forget how or what we felt as we watched the attacks on the World Trade Center, the Pentagon and a field in Pennsylvania? Within a few hours our whole existence as Americans changed.

These memories are something I hope that none of us will ever forget. I also hope that we will never forget the innocent victims of this terrorist act.

Today, I remember Randolph Scott. I remember crying the day he was murdered. I remember where I was the moment my mom called me to ask if I was watching the television. I remember how I felt - total disbelief and shock.

I never met Randolph Scott, but we will forever be linked together in a moment that has changed us forever. We shared common interest in life; the love of our wives, our children and motorcycles. We shared the routine of going to work each morning, so we could provide for our families and those which we loved. Today, I remember Randy Scott, a loving husband, a loving and giving father and a wonderful American.

Today, just like everyday, I remember.

stepping back...

i am in burnout mode, and i feel like the dog in this photo, so i am taking a "break" from this crazy world for a while. i hope that you all don't run off and never visit again, but i understand. i need to spend some time at home with my family and get some stuff done around home and stop sitting in front of a computer screen so much. hopefully i will come back strong and refreshed with some new and improved witty posts!

i may still lurk around your blogs and comment to you once in a while, but my post are done for a while.

(a while might mean tomorrow, but i hope i can stay focused on task a little longer than that)

thanks to all for stoppin' over and shootin' the breeze with me.

best short joke this year...

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.


i thought that you ladies would enjoy this very poor joke! i am sorry if you were smacked in the face by it's bluntness. i am unclear as to why this humor has been thrust upon us. i know it would be funny if it had a few inches of truth. i probably should have just sacked it, instead of letting this poor humor simply limp along.

have a nice day!

i dunno...

i don't have any idea if i am the idiot or if blogger is sucking as usual, but my last post is not showing up on my computer. i go to edit it and it is the way i want it, but then i look at my site and it is jacked up. i have been trying to fix it since yesterday, with no luck. your comments are not showing up either, so thanks for sharing a bed with me to all of you.

i hope that i can figure this out soon enough or i really will require a bed next to the window and a fancy white punk-rock jacket with cool straps and buckles!

the bathtub test...

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"......................

..............."hi roomy, you can call me mgc."

what classic movie...

i stole this from Tara. do the 45 questions, it is really quick and fun. mine is right on the money! scary!!!

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

more money for the airlines...

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.



Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers!


What the hell-the attendants have gotten old and haggard looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?


The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin.



And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money.



Hell, I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."


Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.


This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right, a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.




Why in heck didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do

everything myself?



Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

just not gunna go...

another trip another dollar. at what point is the dollar no longer worth the journey? i have come to the realization that i am just lazy. not lazy in that i want to sit on my couch until it consumes my flesh, but i hate working. i admit it. i hate it. i don't like getting up to go. i don't like it when i'm there. i just hate it. i hate the travel i do in my current job, but i would hate staying in an office all day. i would hate being outside. one day it's too hot, the next it's too cold. never happy.

i would like to just do nothing. maybe like my hero in office space, peter. "i'm just not gunna go". i know some people love to work. they wake up early in the morning, excited to get to a new day at the office. yeah, the same type of people who die 2 months and 4 days into their retirement.

i mean, other than the money, which let's face it, is the reason most of us work at all, why is work exciting? maybe if you write books (i was going to put in a shameless plug for barry, but thought i better not). that might be a fun job. or a comedian or an over hyped actor. what about being a professional bum? even then i would still have to work. i mean they get up at the crack of dawn to get to the "money" corners. i would over sleep and get like penny alley or something. work is just so over rated.

i'm just not going to go. what about bills. yeah i don't really like those either.....

One Hundred Years Ago...

Here are some of the U.S. statistics for the Year 1906

The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years. * Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub. * Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. * A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars. * There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. * Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union. * The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower! * The average wage in the U.S was 22 cents per hour. The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year. * A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. * More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at HOME. * Ninety percent of all U.S. doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION! Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government called it "substandard." * Sugar cost four cents a pound. * Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. * Coffee was fifteen cents a pound. * Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo. * Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason. * Five leading causes of death in the U.S. were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke. * The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet. * The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!! * Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet. * There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. * Two out of every 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write. * Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school. * Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic help. * There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A. !

In one life time people have traveled on "street cars" and "space ships" and man has walked on the moon!! What will our grandkids ask us one day?

What a difference a century makes!

priorities II....

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls,
and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said,"It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally,
not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

priorities...

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.

The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies,"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays, I golf."

it just bugs me...

i have spent the last two nights eating and drinking at the Sierra Nevada Brewery. now first, i will admit that i might have been partaking a little too much last night to really pay attention to much of anything, except i noticed they have the coolest thing called the "sampler". it is 11 or 12 large shot glasses of their different beers. you get to try from light to friggin black beer and decide what you like and don't like. i drank them all! i didn't like them all, but wasting beer is against my religion! then i got few pints of what i liked....


anyway, this post is not about how my liver is doing right now. it is about some things that i noticed while i was eating dinner at the brewery again, with a little less libations.



... in walks a handsom, nicely dressed man and a woman. the man is wearing a nice dress shirt with a collar and his hair is very neat. he is wearing a nice pair of black dockers, that are well pressed and a nice pair of black "work" style shoes. he then sits down to his table and what do i see.... WHITE socks! what the hell is this dork thinking? did he just run a marathon and forget to change his socks before dinner? does he have such bad foot odor that he was told by his doctor to never wear black socks? what an idiot! black pants, black shoes, .......................................................................................... black frickin' socks people!





... i am looking around the beautiful Taproom, which is very elegant, yet very comfortable and relaxed. i am looking around and happen to look directly at a disgusting pig woman who was chewing her food with her mouth open like a fucking camel! i can understand a child doing this, which a good parent would teach them to curb this as they age, but not a grown pig woman with little piglets children of her own. it was all i could do from laughing outloud, (i did have a few beers , so i figured i should not laugh too loud for fear of arrest for drunkenness!) gross!

Two Wolves...

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:

"Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Breaking News...

BREAKING NEWS !!!


Muslim Heaven, July 24, 2006




Al Qaeda leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, killed by US Forces in Iraq a few weeks ago, has just met with the first of his 72 virgins that Allah promised !!!





Daily News reporter Jack Hoff captured THIS exclusive photo of Mr. al-Zarqawi with his first virgin.

Allah is very loving!

what moves you...

i was reading some of the blogs that i really enjoy and read a great post by flounder and it got me thinking about how we can be moved so much by movies, books, tv and music.

barry used the movie field of dreams which is such an awesome movie and it always moves me to tears. i have seen it's a wonderful life a gazillon times, like most of us, yet it causes puddles each and every time. i think tom cruise is an idiot and a brainwashed freak, but i like jerry mcguire for it's dynamics between jerry and rod and how it changes as we travel through the movie. i liked the movie american president for the "character" that president andy had as a person (i did not agree with the political position, but that is another post).

how about music? i can't help but travel back in time with any number of different songs. every time i hear elton john sing crocodile rock it reminds me of laying behind the driver seat of our van as we traveled from california to florida to visit some friends. i hear a song on the radio and i am reminded of the concert i attended to see that band. or a song can take you back to the first girl you kissed or the first time you did a number of things. or it can take you anywhere or remind you of anyone from your past. i love to travel there. today, i still have songs that move me, because they say something or transport me to another place.

there are so many things that touch us as human beings. we love, we hate, we smile, we cry, we remember, we forget. we are so complex and diverse. what i want to know is what moves you? what movie makes you laugh and remember good times or takes you back to better days or causes you to cry, be it happy or sad? what songs takes you back to that "first love" or that famous road trip with your friends?

no longer stuffy...

i just like it...

"Ummmmm, yeeeaaaaa, ummmmm i think i'm ummm gonna need you to come in on saturday."

"Ummmmm, yeeeaaaaaa did you get that memo...."

oh, you wanted one...

ok, so i have been gone for a while trying to find something to complain about and wasn't having any luck.

wow, mgc, your life must be awesome?

well, no, not any better or any worse than anyone else's. i have just been too damn tired to care about much of anything. i just don't want to be bothered by anything right now... i think the scientific term for it is burnout, but i am not a doctor.

you're an asshole - i don't care
you're rude - i don't care
you're an idiot - again, i don't care
you're a jealous, petty, sniveling little bitch of a snitch - i care!

when i am home and not on the road, i like to take my wife dinner and a starbucks coffee. she works from 6pm to 6am and the little pick-me-up that i provide her has come in handy on some of those long nights. i always send her a text and tell her to get your orders in. now, notice that i said orders, as in more than one, not order, as in only for my wife. i would bring all the nurses in her dept., which is only two or three on any given night, but i would always ask if they wanted one too. i was the shit in her nursery! they loved me! i even gained a couple as "girlfriends" and i was happy to be the jammin jimmy with the java!

now, i would also stay and visit and look at the babies because i like babies, especially when they belong to someone else and i don't have to raise them... i digress. i went the other night and took dinner and coffee for the wife and a co-worker, we'll call her elton (don't ask). in order to get to the nursery i have to walk past one of the nurses stations on her floor. none of these bitches nurses are very friendly. they remind me of the snobby click of i am too good to notice you are breathing club of girls in high school. well, to keep you from turning the page, i will get to the point.... one of those bitches complained to a manager, because the wife and elton got "special treatment" and "strangers" should not be allowed in the nusery. i mean, i might be a baby snatcher or uncle pervy. i don't want any fucking kids... i can't wait for the one's that are mine to get the hell out of the house so i can walk around nekid whenever i want to and i think child molesters should be hung by their balls until death. i loved to visit and see these tiny babies grow, each time i would stop by something had changed. it was so great when a little one would finally get out of the "box", as i call it (incubator), and be able to be in a regular bassinet. i really loved to love the babies who came into this world already stoned, thanks to some dumb-ass DNA donor who couldn't lay off the smack long enough to have a straight child. and i loved it when i would walk in and a baby was gone, because that meant they got to go home. they grew big and strong and they got to go outside, and go home with mom and dad, or even to foster care... they grew strong and healthy and that made me happy.

now, i am not allowed to go there anymore. i guess if i would have bought coffee for all of their fat lazy asses, i would still be welcome. why not, it is $4.50 they don't have to spend. now, no one gets coffee and i don't get to send good thoughts of growth and health to my tiniest of tiny friends...

BITCHES

brain dead...

i have nothing.

i am out of words.

i am too tired to think.

i'm having a party.

bbq, beer and swimming.

i may make it back.

but, then again, i may not.

riddle...

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.



Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?









Get off the children's carousel and, next time, don't drink so much.

news flash...

this newsflash just received....


Subject: Fw: Presidente Vincente Announcement:

Presidente Vincente Fox has announced that Mexico will not participate in the next Summer Olympics. The reason is that anyone who can run, jump, or swim... has already left the country.


now back to your regularly scheduled program, already in progress...

smart bartenders...

Jerry went to a psychiatrist.

"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll think about it," said Jerry.

Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for $10."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Ain't nobody under there now!!!


i have to make like a baby and head out (sorry i couldn't help myself) on another trip, so i left you with something to laugh at and then really think about this joke. how often do we complicate ourselves and turn something so simple into something huge that takes $100 an hour to attempt to fix? hopefully i will have inter net in my hotels, but if not see ya and have a good week!

boys and their toys...

this is a photo from four different jumps clumped together. not all that impressive. besides the jumps are lame due to lack of "air".

anyway, the photo below is my buddy's son josh and this is three photo's of the same jump (thank you cannon elan 7e for making me look like i know what the hell i am doing!) i want to try a faster speed next time out so i can get more takes to blend in. i like this and i know josh will love it when i have it blown up. also, i am posting his brother james getting some monster air. i think he smacked his nuts on the tank on landing this one, but guys don't ask things like that... we would all reach for our own wobblies! i love this sport and i love my new bike. it is a lot of fun and very easy to flick around and it is a great wheelie bike. as you can see i have nothing of importance to say so i am filling space with dirtbikes enjoy!

we're off to see the wizard...

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado and off they are whirled to the land of OZ. They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard.

" What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz?"

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said:?"I've come for some courage."
"No Problem!" said the Wizard. "Who' s next?"

Richard Nixon stepped forward,"Well, I think I need a heart."?
"Done!" says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"

Up stepped George "Dubya" and said, "I'm told by the American people that I need a brain."
"No problem!" said the Wizard. "Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around. But he doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "Well, what do you want?"

"IS DOROTHY HERE?"?

i prefer my president to lead with his big head and leave is little one in his pants. what a character?