alone

I walk tenderly over the jagged rocks
Knowing with every step I bleed
Hearing the voices ask may I guide you
But somehow wanting to struggle with the loss

Alone in my pain
No one worldly knowing my anguish
Or how I will get through this
As I meander beside their souls

The one I’ve chosen
Simply too lost to grab hold
Having no sense of my depth
Or how much I suffer

Alone in my pain
Seemingly alone in my world
Without the one to connect
If only the desire to know

I hide in my smile
To bind my sorrow somewhere unknown
The one I’ve chosen
Chooses not to dwell in the openness

Alone in my pain
I cry in the silence
Of my own existence
Without hope that anyone will hear

The stones dig deep
The blood runs vivid red
The voices to carry me diminish
As I no longer react with emotion

Alone in my pain
I bury all that holds me
And treats me kind
For all that is bitter

My hope lies not
In my chosen
For distant repetition
Is leading my jagged path

Alone in my pain
Alone to long for an end
Alone in understanding
Alone in being alone

when it rains...

it pours. it has been a while since i posted, so let's see what has gone on. i took a trip to north carolina, my grandpa died and i had my gall bladder removed. kind of a slow week huh? i had to go to north carolina for work and while i was there my grandpa died (on the 12th) so i proceeded to drink too much, thanks to the concern of my fellows work mates, who were worried about my spirits. they were right, i was bummed big time. if you have read any of my post you know that my grandpa (pop) had cancer, so it shouldn't come as any surprise that he passed away, but it still hurts. his fare well service was today in lake havasu, az were he lived and loved to fish. he was cremated and spread in the lake were he loved to hang out, so that was fitting. i asked my mom to bring me a small bottle of lake water so i can water my tree in my front yard and i will always think of pop when i look at it. why did i not go to the service - i had surgery 2 days ago to have my gall bladder removed. i had stones in it and didn't know it and i had an attack on monday night (tues morn 2:30am) and found myself in the hospital for 3 days. feeling somewhat human now, with the added four holes in my stomach. one good thing, i will probably weigh at least a quarter pound lighter! it has been a crazy few weeks. i hope for less drama in the coming weeks. maybe my ailment is timed just right to keep me from being overly sad at the loss of my grandfather. God always takes care of us, just not always how we think it should go down. time for a pain pill or two!

finally

i have some good news for a change. that dumb fucking dog that my wife got finally took a shit outside without me throwing her out the door!!!!!!!!!!! i know this because i watched her sniffing around the garage (the one of two places she lazily prefers to crap - the other is the house of course). she sniffed around, smelling the bleach water that i just got done spraying all over the floor of the garage (to hide the smell of her previous gazillion other piles of crap), and then she proceeded to go out the dog door and shit outside. it was a banner event in our house. i still can't stand the dog because she is really stupid, but it was a step in the right direction for a change.

i love you - goodbye

we met in the strangest of places
unknown people with unknown faces.
two people meeting maybe by chance
or maybe it was fate’s wicked dance.
you and i connecting as one
sensing something had just begun.
time passed, turning day into night
turning something strange into something so right.

i looked in your eyes, seeing so much more
sensing feelings i hadn’t often felt before.
your kiss so passionate, soft and true
how i melted making love with you.
touching your skin, feeling your life flow
holding you tight and never letting go.
holding your hand as you called out my name
knowing that tone; i too felt the same.

we met in the strangest of places
unknown people with unknown faces.
now we part having known each other
happy that it wasn’t another.
i love you, goodbye, is how it will end
someday soon my heart will mend.
i love you was always there in my head
only i love you are the words that i never said.

as good as it gets

i heard a story between a husband and wife. the man told his wife he couldn't wait until "things" calmed down and life settled down. her comment to him was "what if this is as calm as it is ever going to get?"

that is something to think about - what if this is as good as it is ever going to be. not that life is bad or anything like that, but life is so hectic and crazy on a day to day basis, that it is fair to think that it should "calm" down at some point and be "better".

we have been on this wheel for so long i am not sure we would know how to live any other way.