Christmas

Christmas this year was very different. good or bad i am not sure. maybe it would be from your perspective. i received a call on dec 19 from my mom letting me know that my grandpa rich (pop) has terminal liver cancer. he started with colon cancer and we thought he kicked it, but it has come back with a vengeance to kick his ass. the doctors tell him that he has 3 months or less to live. how do you "live" when you know you are not going to live. i mean we all are going to die (at least in this body) that is a given. unless you are ted williams and get yourself frozen, there is no way out of this place other than dying. anyway, i decided to go and spend Christmas with him, as did many members of my family. deb and the girls could not come with me, which sucks, but i admire and respect my wife for keeping to her responsibilities and not flaking at the last minute. i was not really prepared to take a trip over Christmas, so i quickly made arrangements. i was shocked at how bad my grandpa looked. he is already so yellow from jaundice. he is grumpy and irritable (who wouldn't be) and tired all the time. this brings me to my point. what is an appropriate prayer for him. do i want God to heal him, sure, but is that God's will? if he heals him now, will he not sooner or later suffer again from the body of this world breaking down? sometimes i question why God has made us the way He has. i understand the whole issue of free will and choice, but why do we have to suffer so much in our journey seeking God and His grace. i did not really pray for a miracle to transform my grandpa back to a model of wonderful heath, but that God's will for him will be done. if that means taking him home, so be it (another opportunity for me to accept f...ing change!) i asked that peace be granted to him and that God would pour, in dump truck size loads, His Spirit on him. i am really just so confused about how to deal with this. i know i do not want to question God and His plan for us or blame Him for bringing grief on my family, but sometimes it is hard. i know that i should use this to build my faith and my love for God. it is not easy, but i guess being faithful is not always meant to be an easy walk. i hope that if His will is to take my pop that He makes it as quick and painless as possible and i can take comfort in knowing that my pop has said the sinners prayer and his King has prepared a place for him in His kingdom. i have been reading the comments on spiltwine regarding faith vs, religion by people more enlightened than me and they pose some very interesting insights to faith and religion. i choose to accept my faith by whichever means it has come to me, just being thankful that i have it and continue to try and believe in it and grow it (my faith, not religion).

pop, i will miss you. i was robbed of my childhood with you in my life and have only known you 8 or 9 years, but i love you very much. i will always be glad we got to go fishing and we spent the small amount of time we did. i am proud to be your grandson and i will try very hard to share you to my kids and my grand kids. Gods peace to you.

fishing with pop 

my everything 

birthdays

why is it that birthdays always seem to suck? not the turning another year older, just the day in general? they always fall apart.


happy birthday, my love. you are as beautiful and lovely as the day i first met you 23 years ago!
i look foward to sharing many more birthdays, anniversaries and just plain old days with you. you keep me here and breathing. i love you and i will follow my heart forever.

dogs

i now remember why i do not like puppies. now don't get me wrong i think they are cute and funny just like anyone else, but i hate the fact that they pee and shit on the floor. i don't quite see eye to eye with germs as it is, but to have urine on the rug is almost more than i can deal with.

my wife got a puppy while i was away on business. i told her i didn't really want another dog. to no surprise, my wife did not listen to me on this matter, as usual. if you know harlie, our dog now, you know she can be more than a pain in the ass, but also more than lovable. so my assumption was that we did not require a new puppy, but deb thought that harlie needed a friend. maybe so, but i think friends should tell friends how to crap outside! anyway we now have added lucy to our family and i am scrambling to find some disinfectant!

funerals

i will start this by saying again how much i hate change. so with that, i have just spent the better part of this day at a funeral. our friend's father passed away the day before thanksgiving. he had throat cancer, so it was not a total shock that he expired, but how quickly he passed was. now i realize that change, in this case death, is a certainty, but i still don't have to like it. i am always saddened at funerals, even if i know they are Christians. the finality of knowing you will not see that person in this life. it is amazing to me how many people one life touches. these people may have nothing in common other than the fact that they know you. if you have ever had thoughts of suicide, this does pass through your mind - would anyone really miss me? i am sure there are some people who pass away and no one misses them, but i think for most of us there are many people who would miss us in many different ways. i know i will miss my friends dad's gentle smile and mild demeanor. he touched many people.

i am at the age that people in my life, who have always been in my life, are going to start to pass away. you want to talk about screwing up someone who likes things to stay the same. i am sure that i will not handle death - family, friends or anyone for that matter - it just freaks me out! i have thought of death, my own, many times. my demise does not bother me, it's leaving me here to deal with someone else's death that bothers me. i guess i am just weak or an idiot for not having the ability to cope with "permanent change". maybe i am here so those of you who deal well with change have someone to compare yourselves against, a bench mark if you will. "i can cope with all things and you are just a sissy!" that is one way to feel better about one's self and if i wasn't here to be the sissy, someone might feel really low about themselves. it is sort of like being unattractive... if it wasn't for those of us unbeautiful people, you good looking people wouldn't know it, because you... i digress again.

we were talking about death, change and the like. does anyone know where their grandparents are buried? if you do do you go there? why do we bury people? so we can return to mourn the loss? does it give us some sort of connection to them, just a place to remember them? i am certain that i do not want a funeral. cremation would be ok. a dinner party with lots of food and some beer would be cool, but not a funeral. i do not want anyone to see me dead - it is not me! i laugh, i cry, i smile, i love, i ride motorcycles, i play music badly, i sing even worse, i say stupid things and i am just plain silly. that is what i want to be remembered for not a cold pale lifeless pile of shit in a fancy box. i would rather have someone say i was an ass, than say they remember what i looked like in my box.

i do not like change. that is something i must live with for it is always a guarantee - everything changes, everything dies and we can do nothing to change that.

The View of a Stranger

I saw him in his passing days,
a rather anguishing sight.
But in those waning hours,
I saw his mystic might.
Looking in his eyes so blue,
I saw his family and his wife.
His eyes so deeply drawn,
yet in them there was life.
Gleaming of days gone by,
remembering all that he had made.
I saw his family still,
in his eyes they had stayed.
So much this man had given,
to a world that never cared.
And, in those final hours,
so much he could have shared.
In his eyes, I saw his life,
and in his eyes I saw him cry.
He was not afraid of dying,
just the lingering thought of why.
I saw him bid farewell to life,
and all that he adored.
I looked into his eyes once more,
to know he was with the Lord.

family in the house

the house is finally clean,
i must admit
which was no simple task,
i sorta threw a fit

now your spilling food and other
on the floor
maybe you
should go next door

this disease, you know,
to see it clean
takes too much effort
to keep it's sheen

why did i want a house
filled with so many
because, i would be so lonely
without any

so for now i will look away
from the mess
i'll try to be concerned
just a little less

for i am happy my family shared
in my living
and came to my new house
for thanksgiving

giving thanks

well i made it through another thanksgiving. this one was even at my new house for the first time ever. i read a blog (just stacy) regarding why we celebrate thanksgiving... something about a group of people coming over and being bullies. true, whitey came over and as usual ruined it, but i try to look at thanksgiving as a day to be thankful for the freedom i have to celebrate a useless holiday and eat until i want to puke. i also try to think about being thankful for the opportunity to spend some time with my family and loved one's and eat until i want to puke. and mostly, i like to reflect and be thankful for the blessings that God has given me and the chance to eat until i want to puke. but if i do consider that whitey came over and destoyed a culture, it really makes me want to puke!

you know, i am really hungry again! have a great day.

turkey preparations

i don't really have anything profound to say, but simply... i am tired. our household is preparing to entertain 16 or so people for turkey day. not that too much has to be done, just the little things that one often puts off for another day. well another day is vastly approaching and i am scrambling to get the small stuff done. meghan has helped a whole bunch by cleaning and dusting the living room. she also has helped organize the dvd's and cd's. i cleaned the garage so we can walk through it... can you believe a three car garage that is so full i couldn't pass through it. very sad the amount of junk we have acquired over the years. i finally had to give in and i have started getting rid of things, which is a huge step for me. for some reason i become attached to what my wife affectionately refers to as junk! i think that somewhere, sometime and somehow i will be able to use it to fix something or make my life better in some small manner. it very rarely happens and i just run out of room. i feel a huge yard sale and the following trip to the good will coming on here shortly. although, i might need to save that.......

tomorrow will be a new day 

i did not really want to go to church today. deb was working and i was still unsettled with regards to my friend and pastor leaving. i also feel very far from God for some reason that i am unable to put my finger on. probably my rebellion and anger at life is causing me to stay away from Him, because i know He is not staying away from me. anyway, i went to church and was able to talk to tim about his plans and his reasons for making a change. i feel better, but i will still miss seeing him and listening to his ramblings. the sermon was good today... something to the effect of seeking for answers within one's self. at least that's what i walked away with, which is basically how i view things anyway. i have a fault of never asking for help with anything, which i get yelled at often by many people, but that is how i am. i digress. i was talking about tim leaving. i believe he is making a great decision and his family will be very happy... grand parents, siblings, cousins and the bengals!

tim if you read this, i want you to know that i have truly enjoyed getting to know you and your family. you always welcomed deb and me from the beginning (those crazy bikers in leather) and made us feel like one of the family. thank you. i will miss you and flora and your unique personalities (flora has germs on her forehead!) and i hope that one day i might purchase a painting for my home and know that a good friend painted it. best of luck and God's blessing on your life. thank you for sharing you.

i will be off to the bay area tomorrow for the better part of the week. i hope that i can get out of this funk and improve my attitude about life. i am so blessed, i should have a permanent smile on my face and a hop in my step, but i might not recognize that person in the mirror. oh well. i am bored with my own words now so i am going.

it has been some time. it seems that so much has changed in my life yet not much really has. i am still here on earth and still plugging away at life. i went to a surprise birthday party for my granny, who by the way turned 80. that is a long time to be hanging around. i am not sure if i will be here to see 80, nor am i sure that i want to. i think i would grow too weary of loss... friends dying, family dying, loss of body agility, loss of memory (of which is all you would have left of those who have died) and just simple change. i know as i grow older with my love, i grow more dependent of her presence in my life. even when we disagree (how is that possible - i am an ass!) anyway even when i am mad at her, i am so in love with her and miss the time when i am not mad at her. did that make any sense? even when i am mad, i can't wait to get back to not being mad because that is when i am at my best and most happiest. deb is really good for me. she grounds me and centers me and smacks me around when i need it (figuratively not physically). i was talking about what is new. we are getting a pool put in our back yard (better us putting in our back yard verses someone else's back yard - duh!) in any case, we are getting a pool. i am very excited, the family is very excited. the only draw back is i may have to sell my harley. i don't really want to, but when i weigh all the facts, it would be the most unselfish thing to do. now that deb is back at a hospital, she is on call a lot and is more obligated to her job than in the past when her and i rode the bike more often. so she doesn't get the enjoyment out of it that she once did (although, she is pretty adamant about not getting rid of it). the girls don't really get all that much pleasure from it either, so that only leaves me. i enjoy it, but it is me alone... not my whole family. the payment on the harley is the same as the pool. i don't know what to do for sure. i am looking forward to having my friends and family enjoy our pool and i am looking forward to having many bbq's in the back yard. i am sure my decision will be made clear to me when God's timing is right. He never makes a mistake about the path we should take, we simply don't always listen nor choose to adhere to what we hear (know) to be right. speaking of choices, my pastor has chosen to leave our church. i was at the 80th birthday party when he announced it, so i know very little first hand information. he is not going to another church, but going back to school to be an artist. i lack creativity, so i am baffled how someone would have a desire to go to school to be an artist, but i am sure that is why i am not artistic. tim (the pastor) is very talented. i have seen some of his paintings and they are very good. deb also said that his house is painted (decorated) really cool. i am happy that he will be able to work toward his dream. part of me (selfish side) is really mad at him for leaving, because i like him so much. he is really a neat pastor and a pretty cool dude. i guess it goes back to my earlier comment of my disdain for change. i hate when things change. but everything changes. i understand that he said he would only be a pastor at our church, so that is nice. i will miss him and his unique perspective on the world and God and how we all fit in the middle. i wish him and flora, his wife, well and God's blessings. i hope that God will place a new pastor that will not change the dynamic character of our church. i like the realness of the staff and the majority of the people there. it would be a loss for us to change. i better go for now.

finally high speed internet has come to my house. i am so cheap i have resisted the "speed" for so long, but now i have succumb to the pressure of modern technolgy. it is fast and boy can i learn to love it. all is well with me. i just went to my 20 yr high school reunion. what a hoot to see the old friends and see how some of the average girls turned out damn hot! even with hotties all around, i was pretty proud to have my own hottie on my arm. deb looked really great and she did not act bored at all. in fact she had a mission with a couple of my friends wives, to seek out old girlfriends and proceed to bag on them (not very kind, but rather funny!) all in all it was a whole lot of fun. the week prior to my reunion deb and i were in hawaii. we flew in a helicoptor and went in a submarine. we rented a harley fat boy and rode around the island. and we ate dinner in a 5 star restuarant, where the "gentlemen" had to wear a coat for dinner. i ate duck, which is way out of my comfort zone, but it was pretty good. it will be an experience i will never forget.

i am really tired of political ads and politicians in general. they lie so badly that it is a wonder how and why americans believe anything they say. i can't stand either one. ok that is done.

i am in colorado for a week and a half. i haven't really been home since aug 15. i am looking forward to getting home for a few days. oh well, one must work.

my diet is working well. started june1 and so far i am down about 25 lbs. sometimes i crave that yummy dessert, but so far i have been pretty good. i only break the diet once in a while. i hope i can lose another 20 lbs, but another 10 would be cool too.

deb and i went to her 20 year reunion last week-end. it was pretty fun. i only knew one person that i remember from when deb and i dated in high school. it was nice to see her again and her husband is pretty cool. maybe we will go see them more often now that we have all met each other. my reunion is oct 2. looking forward to it.

WE ARE AS ONE

burning bodies touch together
seconds seem to take forever
sounds hardly hush the happy day
moving motion a systematic sway
hearts heard now are loud
two as one among the crowd
perfect passion screams past lips
cries let out from moving hips
the greatest grip the hardest hold
love is made not bought or sold
rejoice relax ecstasy came
seems nothing will be the same
holding hugs time is here
love lingers inside so very near
fingers feeling with loving touch
there is more it means so much
now nothing need be said
a willing weakness but never mislead

i am finally in my brand new house. i can not say how happy i am to be here. i am truely a blessed man. i never thought i would have a new house and not such a nice one. thank you Lord.it has been a long time since i have talked with you. i have no deep thoughts to share. i have made it another year with my bride - 6 years. how she puts up with me is beyond me. i am not easy to live with. anyway we went to lunch at henry salazars and mark had flowers and a balloon on our table. he is really great to us. meghan and her boyfriend john came with us and then all of us went bowling. that was a lot of fun, but i sure am sore today. i am getting tired. better go for now.

HOPE VISITS THE NEIGHBORS

i will love you forever
but have you never.

irony has its strange way
of making you want…
what you will never have…
crave what you can never touch.

simplicity leaves as torture sets in.
this knife of love cuts me into pieces,
as i fall to the floor alone.
hoping for that which is lost.

the phone interrupts the silence
as hope passes through my room
oh how close was i?
had only i stayed for the moment.

never shall i know you,
yet always i will love you.

It has been a while since I have talked here. I have just gone through another fathers day, not feeling like much of a father. I really suck as a dad. I did have a great week-end with my dad and my uncle Ron. We rode our motorcycles up to Roseburg Oregon. I rode about 1500 miles in 3-1/2 days. The days where long on the bike, but really fulfilling and a great "guy" week-end. I hope to do something like that again.

I really did miss my wife though. She had left for Iowa June 11th and I had left for work in LA on the 7th. We did not see each other until 10pm on the 20th of June. That is a long time and it reminded me about how important Deb is to me and how much I miss her when she is not near me. As much as she sometimes frustrates me, I could not live without her and I love her very much.

How would I define intimacy?

A prideful glance at the women I love.
The feel of her hands touching my face for no reason.
The brushing together of our hands as we pass each other.
The look in her eyes as she kisses me full on the mouth, just because she wants to.
Moving the hair from her face as I watch her sleep.
Looking at her and knowing we have something that no one else can share.
Holding hands in a movie theater like a school child in love for the first time.
Making love to her just to feel the warmth of her body.
Inhaling the air as she passes, taking a deep breath as I softly kiss her neck.
Being inside the shower instead of out.
Doing nothing but laying next to her, silent and at peace.
Kissing like no one is watching and not caring if they are.
Holding her in my arms, to protect her and keep her from harm.
Her holding me because she needs me to protect her.
Sitting on the couch watching the dumbest movie ever.
Sharing the yard work, without worry it won’t get done.
Making a date to read books for free at Borders.
Standing side by side in the face of adversity (life).
Playful teasing and touching, leading to more, but sometime maybe not.
Feeling her hands touch me.
Being silent enough I can hear her heat beating as I rest my head on her.
Being for the moment and planning for the future.
Being led by desire for her, not by obligation.
Not letting the world consume my desire for the one I love.

How would I define intimacy?
Feeling her love for me more than knowing her love for me.

another hotel. at least this one has high speed access. i am going to figure this computer stuff out one way or another. i have added the comment thing to my blog so now i can find out what you really think. not that anyone will read any of this because i haven't given out the link. that is self preservation on my part. maybe i will be the only one who ever reads this and it will therapeutic later in life.

this is my most favorite poem. written in maybe 1986.

Kick the Dog

Wake up time comes too early, kick the dog.
You have a hangover from the night before, kick the dog.
Your life flies by on the hands of your favorite clock, go ahead kick the dog.
Plans never go as planned, kick the fucking dog.
You go to bed, no girl, no sex, kick the dog.
You kicked the dog all day, why does he still love you?

why do i bother?

why do i bother to light the fire?
you seemed to have lost all your desire.
i ask you so often i'm numb.
my need is becoming so dumb.

why do i bother to fan the flame?
it's flickering light is rather tame.
i ask for your love and affection.
i wonder if i made the right selection?

why do i bother to tend to the spark?
my need for you is almost dark.
i long for your touch without my plea.
but it's my need for you that you fail to see.

why do i bother to wave through the smoke?
so weighted and heavy that i choke.
because i love you and for no other reason.
i will light the fire in this or any other season.

fuck

what is it that causes some of us to have good luck and others to have shit for luck? i stopped to talk to a man on the corner with a sign that said "vietnam vet anything will help". his name is john. i was expecting him to be a drunk, but discovered a very sober sounding and coherent man. so much for preconceived ideas about people. so much for me trying to be Jesus like. i wished i could get past my negative thoughts about those who may just be down on their luck. you know most of us are only a check or a few checks from being down on our luck as well. i bought john a burger lunch and hoped it would at least fill his belly for a while. i wish i had the power to do more, but i wonder if sometimes these people do not wish to be helped beyond food or money?

this is the second time i have had to sign up for this. i did it and can't remember what the hell name i used to start the other one. i don't even do drugs anymore but i must have fried some cells in the past to sketch the future. i am an old fart trying somthing new. my young, smart friends all do this blog thing, so i figured i better get in the game or get left out. left out of what? this i am unsure of.