Christmas

Christmas this year was very different. good or bad i am not sure. maybe it would be from your perspective. i received a call on dec 19 from my mom letting me know that my grandpa rich (pop) has terminal liver cancer. he started with colon cancer and we thought he kicked it, but it has come back with a vengeance to kick his ass. the doctors tell him that he has 3 months or less to live. how do you "live" when you know you are not going to live. i mean we all are going to die (at least in this body) that is a given. unless you are ted williams and get yourself frozen, there is no way out of this place other than dying. anyway, i decided to go and spend Christmas with him, as did many members of my family. deb and the girls could not come with me, which sucks, but i admire and respect my wife for keeping to her responsibilities and not flaking at the last minute. i was not really prepared to take a trip over Christmas, so i quickly made arrangements. i was shocked at how bad my grandpa looked. he is already so yellow from jaundice. he is grumpy and irritable (who wouldn't be) and tired all the time. this brings me to my point. what is an appropriate prayer for him. do i want God to heal him, sure, but is that God's will? if he heals him now, will he not sooner or later suffer again from the body of this world breaking down? sometimes i question why God has made us the way He has. i understand the whole issue of free will and choice, but why do we have to suffer so much in our journey seeking God and His grace. i did not really pray for a miracle to transform my grandpa back to a model of wonderful heath, but that God's will for him will be done. if that means taking him home, so be it (another opportunity for me to accept f...ing change!) i asked that peace be granted to him and that God would pour, in dump truck size loads, His Spirit on him. i am really just so confused about how to deal with this. i know i do not want to question God and His plan for us or blame Him for bringing grief on my family, but sometimes it is hard. i know that i should use this to build my faith and my love for God. it is not easy, but i guess being faithful is not always meant to be an easy walk. i hope that if His will is to take my pop that He makes it as quick and painless as possible and i can take comfort in knowing that my pop has said the sinners prayer and his King has prepared a place for him in His kingdom. i have been reading the comments on spiltwine regarding faith vs, religion by people more enlightened than me and they pose some very interesting insights to faith and religion. i choose to accept my faith by whichever means it has come to me, just being thankful that i have it and continue to try and believe in it and grow it (my faith, not religion).

pop, i will miss you. i was robbed of my childhood with you in my life and have only known you 8 or 9 years, but i love you very much. i will always be glad we got to go fishing and we spent the small amount of time we did. i am proud to be your grandson and i will try very hard to share you to my kids and my grand kids. Gods peace to you.