funerals

i will start this by saying again how much i hate change. so with that, i have just spent the better part of this day at a funeral. our friend's father passed away the day before thanksgiving. he had throat cancer, so it was not a total shock that he expired, but how quickly he passed was. now i realize that change, in this case death, is a certainty, but i still don't have to like it. i am always saddened at funerals, even if i know they are Christians. the finality of knowing you will not see that person in this life. it is amazing to me how many people one life touches. these people may have nothing in common other than the fact that they know you. if you have ever had thoughts of suicide, this does pass through your mind - would anyone really miss me? i am sure there are some people who pass away and no one misses them, but i think for most of us there are many people who would miss us in many different ways. i know i will miss my friends dad's gentle smile and mild demeanor. he touched many people.

i am at the age that people in my life, who have always been in my life, are going to start to pass away. you want to talk about screwing up someone who likes things to stay the same. i am sure that i will not handle death - family, friends or anyone for that matter - it just freaks me out! i have thought of death, my own, many times. my demise does not bother me, it's leaving me here to deal with someone else's death that bothers me. i guess i am just weak or an idiot for not having the ability to cope with "permanent change". maybe i am here so those of you who deal well with change have someone to compare yourselves against, a bench mark if you will. "i can cope with all things and you are just a sissy!" that is one way to feel better about one's self and if i wasn't here to be the sissy, someone might feel really low about themselves. it is sort of like being unattractive... if it wasn't for those of us unbeautiful people, you good looking people wouldn't know it, because you... i digress again.

we were talking about death, change and the like. does anyone know where their grandparents are buried? if you do do you go there? why do we bury people? so we can return to mourn the loss? does it give us some sort of connection to them, just a place to remember them? i am certain that i do not want a funeral. cremation would be ok. a dinner party with lots of food and some beer would be cool, but not a funeral. i do not want anyone to see me dead - it is not me! i laugh, i cry, i smile, i love, i ride motorcycles, i play music badly, i sing even worse, i say stupid things and i am just plain silly. that is what i want to be remembered for not a cold pale lifeless pile of shit in a fancy box. i would rather have someone say i was an ass, than say they remember what i looked like in my box.

i do not like change. that is something i must live with for it is always a guarantee - everything changes, everything dies and we can do nothing to change that.