gone too long...

i am getting so tired of the travel. i am tired of hotels, airplanes, rental cars and slacks. i am tired of missing my wife and my kids and my friends. i am tired of missing a life... a normal life. i was talking to my parents (while i am here i should probably talk to them) anyway, the topic of my job came up and my mom said "you really hate your job, don't you?" i said that i didn't really hate it, but that i hated being away from home so often and missing so much of my life with my family. my dad made a comment that i would not have the "lifestyle" or any of the nice things that i have if i didn't do what i am doing. you must understand, this is how my dad thinks and how he operates - not bad, not good - he is simply a provider. now i agree that much of my lifestyle has been afforded due to my job, but not all (my wife helps tremendously!). this to me poses a much bigger question in my mind and that is; what price do we accept for success? what cost do we deem acceptable to maintain a certain "lifestyle"? is all this really worth spending days away from my wife, sleeping alone in a crummy hotel in podunk nowhere? is it worth missing my children's events and miss seeing them learn their way thru life? is it worth not having some structure in my life so that i can do more of the things that i enjoy - music, friends, motorcycles... life? i should be, and i am grateful that i have a job and a good job at that, but it is starting to wear thin on me. i don't feel that anyone really understands how i feel or what the big deal is. i mean i take off when ever i want (i have taken entire weeks off, without vacation) but i get reprimanded and questioned why i did not work, which makes me feel guilty, but neglecting my home life (wife, kids, house, church and friends) also makes me feel guilty. it really is a catch 22. sucks either way.

i will continue on so that i may provide for my family and provide for our "lifestyle", because that is what men do and that is what i am programmed to do - provide for my family. i guess the costs to me really when you look it like that - to provide - are not that important. besides, i am not sure that i am really missed when i am gone. it is sort of a reprieve from the tyrant that is me. and most of the time i muck up the system that the girls have going without me. i should just shut my pie hole and get to work!