more changes...

i finally made it home last night (just for the night, i am on the road again tonight) after 15 days away from home. it was so good to see my wife, kids and my house again, i can't tell you. but as usual, i returned home to "changed" things. my bedroom was changed around and we have new sheets and pillow cases and spread and pillows and ...... i like it, but it freaked me out to have so much change all at once. we are also the proud owner of a very over priced "coffee" maker and i don't drink coffee! new plants for the back yard! crazyness!

really the stuff isn't bothering me as much as knowing some more of my good friends are leaving me. it is such a hard thing for me to accept and deal with the "loss". i sometimes wish i didn't make friends, because then i wouldn't have to be sad when they left me. i am happy for the rockstar and poet, it will be a great blessing for them, but a great loss for me. i guess i will have to drive to arizona (do they have sierra nevada there?) and see my friends. maybe we will have to rent a bus and go down there and break in their neighbors as to how us "hicks" celebrate life. anyway, that is what is really bugging me. i do not really want to see them off. i am not sure i am ready for the emotions. maybe i can call in sick to their send-off. yeah, that's it, i got the flu! who am i kidding, i have to go and wish them well.

who the hell is next.... r.h.?

a lovely mess...

from outside the view is well
and all seems fine
yet all has turned to hell
in this fucking life of mine

i wonder is it the day
or just a state of mind
looking for the pay
or something i can't find

a mess i will admit
a depth i would not share
a moment to commit
to this tired nightmare

so full of rage
an anger uncontrolled
release me from this cage
it's dark lonely and cold

where does this hide
in the dark recess of my mind
a path i need not to abide
if the less traveled path i could find

i hate inside my head
the empty space i call me
i am not yet dead
but sometimes wish to be

gone too long...

i am getting so tired of the travel. i am tired of hotels, airplanes, rental cars and slacks. i am tired of missing my wife and my kids and my friends. i am tired of missing a life... a normal life. i was talking to my parents (while i am here i should probably talk to them) anyway, the topic of my job came up and my mom said "you really hate your job, don't you?" i said that i didn't really hate it, but that i hated being away from home so often and missing so much of my life with my family. my dad made a comment that i would not have the "lifestyle" or any of the nice things that i have if i didn't do what i am doing. you must understand, this is how my dad thinks and how he operates - not bad, not good - he is simply a provider. now i agree that much of my lifestyle has been afforded due to my job, but not all (my wife helps tremendously!). this to me poses a much bigger question in my mind and that is; what price do we accept for success? what cost do we deem acceptable to maintain a certain "lifestyle"? is all this really worth spending days away from my wife, sleeping alone in a crummy hotel in podunk nowhere? is it worth missing my children's events and miss seeing them learn their way thru life? is it worth not having some structure in my life so that i can do more of the things that i enjoy - music, friends, motorcycles... life? i should be, and i am grateful that i have a job and a good job at that, but it is starting to wear thin on me. i don't feel that anyone really understands how i feel or what the big deal is. i mean i take off when ever i want (i have taken entire weeks off, without vacation) but i get reprimanded and questioned why i did not work, which makes me feel guilty, but neglecting my home life (wife, kids, house, church and friends) also makes me feel guilty. it really is a catch 22. sucks either way.

i will continue on so that i may provide for my family and provide for our "lifestyle", because that is what men do and that is what i am programmed to do - provide for my family. i guess the costs to me really when you look it like that - to provide - are not that important. besides, i am not sure that i am really missed when i am gone. it is sort of a reprieve from the tyrant that is me. and most of the time i muck up the system that the girls have going without me. i should just shut my pie hole and get to work!

crazy mormons...

this has to be the weirdest place on earth. the mormons have such control of everything. i still hate this state. the oddity of this place is there are hot women everywhere. i mean there are good looking women in others places, but there are an extraordinary amount here. it sort of reminds me of stepford wives. too perfect, you know. it is probably written in their book of mormom to create hot women, that can pop out 6 to 18 kids each! weird!

i can't wait to get home to my own hot wife! i only have to wait 13 more days.

the journey begins...

well i made it to las vegas to begin my 19 day adventure away from home. i leave for salt lake city tomorrow morning. i really hate the state of utah, but i must go and try to steal some business from the mormon competitor in slc. it is almost pointless, but i will give it a try. i will be there for a week and then fly back to vegas. the only saving grace is i will visit my parents while i am in vegas, but that can also be a pain... too much of one's parents can drive one nuts!!! i would rather be snuggled up next to my wife (no offence mom) and listening to my kids be crazy.

i received a "shout out" in church today. not that it was a good thing - more like a call for me to call on my community of friends, or something to that effect. i have a bad habit of not asking for help, as most of you who read this stupid blog, can agree to. i know it is sort of dumb, but i am very aware of others time and my lack of preparedness. i am sorry that i do not call on my friends... but i will call you to come over and visit and eat and laugh and swill beer and laugh and fellowship and enjoy each other and laugh at me for being so damn stubborn and maybe laugh some more. i really am thankful to everyone who has made an offer of help and those who have managed to actually help me do some of the dumb stuff i do. i wish i didn't care about what it looked like or how it was done because i would just pay someone else to do all the work so we could sit around and enjoy them doing the work while we laugh at how lazy i am!

anyway, i better go for now, gotta pack a bag and get ready for my flight. take care and i'll see you in almost a month.

rocks and telephones...

i have been working on my back yard for the majority of a week now. i am tired! i have moved 6 yards of rocks with one wheel barrow and one shovel, one load at a time. i would have asked for help, but as usual, i was unprepared for the task before me. i bought the rocks in hope that it would motivate me to do some work in the yard, not realizing that i was totally not ready to put rocks in the yard. hello, dumbass, be better prepared! anyway, i have moved the rocks, put in drains (pipe around my patio) added drip irrigation and ran wire for yard lighting. i have even found time to plant some plants (this is my wife's department, but she had to take a trip, so i thought i would help out) and a couple of trees. i am looking forward to the day i can just look out there and do nothing, but enjoy it. i want my friends to come over and enjoy it too.

my buddy, d. giles, my handy sbc service expert came and fixed my phone today as well. it was nice to have the company, even if it was only for a few minutes. it is funny how lonely i get when my family is away. i know i travel most of the time and i am without family, but when i am home they should be here... it is just the way it is. anyway, it is good to have the phone working again, so i can receive my useless telemarketing calls and calls from 12 year old girls asking "is caitlyn there?". i really don't think we need a house phone (i sure didn't miss it for the 3 days it was out), but if i didn't have it, my buddy might not be able to have a job fixing that which breaks in the phone system. besides, i think his tools are pretty cool and i enjoy seeing him walk around his van to pick up those damn orange cones.

with all this excitement, how could anything top this...well, i have discovered mike's hard lemonade (thanks again giles) and the thrill of drinking an ice cold one while taking a shower after a long day in the yard moving rocks! ahhhhhhhhh........